Tag Archive | "fast food"

Open Carry Texas Opens Fire, Saves Lives at San Antonio Sonic


Gun Rights Activists flaunting their 2nd Amendment rights were in the right place at the right time yesterday when they courageously exchanged gunfire in a Houston based Sonic fast food restaurant and saved several restaurant goers the fate of high cholesterol and clogged arteries. Read the full story

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Man Suffers Hernia, Sues Fast Food Chain


Jason Dimples, a 27-year old iron worker from Youngstown, Ohio, has recently filed a Complaint for injuries he received several months ago while dining with his family at a local fast food restaurant. In his Complaint, Dimples alleges he was carrying a tray of food to the table where his wife and two young sons were seated when he felt a sharp, stabbing pain in the area of his abdomen. Read the full story

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A-Hole from School Wants to Know If You’d Like Extra Lettuce w/ That


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INDIANAPOLIS – Despite spending most of his teen years being an insufferable prick to you and your friends, an asshole you went to school with would now be interested to know if you’d like extra lettuce with that.

Serving you at Jimmy John’s Tuesday, the 27-year-old, who routinely used to spit in your hair during 8th grade biology, stated enthusiastically this afternoon that he would be happy to get you some more napkins. Read the full story

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Taco Bell Elects to Take USDA Meat Test Pass/Fail


IRVINE, CALIF — Taco Bell announced in a statement last week that they have elected to take this year’s USDA meat test on a pass/fail basis, rather than risking another poor performance on the agency’s traditional grading scale.

According to the statement, Taco Bell acknowledges that “as all of our friends already know, we really don’t give a shit at this point. We’re over it. Call it señor-itis.” Read the full story

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Heavy Sigh as Obesity Vaccine Wins FDA Approval


Fast Food Restaurants Go Ahead With Even More Bacon Options in Kids Meals

Washington, DC – The Food and Drug Administration has given final approval on a vaccine that, when administered at a young age, will allow children to eat anything they want without gaining any fat. The obesity vaccine was developed in answer to the failed USDA’s MyPlate program, which replaced the even more disastrous MYPyramid Food Chart, both of which have done little to curtail the rising epidemic of obesity in America. Read the full story

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Burger King, Dairy Queen Conclude Royal Tour of Man’s Intestines


FORT WAYNE – The ruling monarchs of the fast food industry, Burger King and Dairy Queen, concluded their recent tour of local man Patrick McMillan’s small intestine Thursday, ending a successful domestic engagement.

The Royals were also treated to a glimpse of the 27-year-old’s stomach and food pipe during the extensive 2-day visit, which also saw them engage with dignitaries from The Coca Cola Company and Nestle. Read the full story

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Biggie Burger Introduces the “Suicide Burger”


Parkersburg WV – GlossyNews.com – Biggie Burger Inc. of Parkersburg WV, famous for its patented 1200-calorie Gargantuan Burger, today introduced its even more massive artery-destroying Suicide Burger.

Reportedly the new menu item will be so huge customers will be provided bibs to catch falling bits of lettuce and dribs of mayonnaise as they struggle to wrap their jaws around this baby. Read the full story

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Painting of Big Mac Found in Neanderthal Cave


Saint Sozy, France – GlossyNews.com French paleontologists have discovered a Neanderthal cave painting said to represent hands eagerly reaching for a Big Mac, or at least proto-Big Mac, according to the journal, Ancient Discoveries.

According to Jean-Claude Bouisquet, curator of the Museum of French Archeology, the painting was found during excavation of a Neanderthal cave encampment at La Roche-Cotard, and can be reliably dated to 25,000 B.C. Read the full story

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If McDonald’s Gets Gov Health Insurance Exemption, Who’s Next?


Rules are made to be broken and it appears that may be happening in the case of the fast food giant McDonald’s when it comes to complying with the new rules handed down under the Health Care Reform Bill. We knew it would only be a matter of time before large employers claimed their bottom line would be affected if they were to (gasp) be required to provide affordable health care insurance coverage to their employees. Read the full story

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