Tag Archive | "Daesh"

Brief Intro to ISIS


ISIS, or the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria, is a group of radical fundamentalist anti-Western Islamists who believe that Muslims must follow strict Sharia law and forsake cultural perversions such as capitalistic greed and social liberty. A very moralistic lot, ISIS believes that human beings should be guided by a strict and literal reading of the Koran – which is to say, what they interpret it to mean. The highest calling is jihad, to do Allah’s work on earth, for which a soldier will be rewarded in heaven. Making the ultimate sacrifice of his life will yield the greatest reward. Just as in Christianity, whatever happens on this planet is relatively insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Eternity lasts forever, while life on earth is transitory. Read the full story

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Glossy News Classics IX: Kilroy’s “ISIS Targets U.S. Comicbook Market”


ISIS is reported to be using old established oil smuggling routes to sell oil on the black market for millions of dollars. While that certainly is a lot of money, it is insignificant compared to the market they are currently tapping. Comics.

While CIA analysts concede that ISIS is the best funded, most sophistocated terror network the world has ever seen, they conclude, “They ain’t Hydra.” This may appear reassuring, but when one considers the fact that Hydra does not exist and ISIS does, it brings into question the CIA’s grip on reality. Then things got weirder. Read the full story

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4 More Reasons Why YOU Should Join ISIS!


A lot of people were offended by the recent Ten Great Reasons to Join ISIS article by Kilroy.
I found myself at a bit of a loss to write an even edgier article.
However, help is at hand!
Notable Moderate Political Islamist Teddy Ramallah of Cowbridge University has asked me to forward this ISIS recruitment advert to you.
I’m all for tolerance and respecting the sincerely held beliefs of others; diversity is our greatest strength, and as we all share a common humanity, I’m going to respect Teddy Ramallah’s ideological and ethical diversity, just like you ought to respect mine.
We’re all in this together… so, here we go!

#1 License to Kill & Be Killed (Just Like James Bond!)

I mean, I know bitches look down on you and all them white-ass hos don’t give you no pussy. Why don’t you actually get a bit classy so those prissy kafffir girls are actually eating out of your jihadi-bride-whacking fistifcuffs?

#2 No Muh Peer Pressure to Read

I mean, who actually LIKES reading? A lot of jihadists are very intelligent anyway, like Imam Khomeini (peace and blessings of the Dean be upon him), who wrote an entire several-volume book about chicken-fucking and marrying kids. So dump that stupid jaheel college of yours and learn that you actually have something constructive to do in this world. I mean, I can already see you are a better fit here, than there!

 #3 ISIS are anti-imperialists

Iraq and Syria and other apostate countries were carved up from the fall of the Ottoman empire. If you oppose an empire, you are an anti-imperialist! By definition! I mean, how much simpler do I have to say it?

#4 ISIS are Radical Cosmopolitans with a Global Outlook

All we want to do is to abolish all those arbitrary national boundaries that divide and alienate and that capitalists are always taking advantage of in order to oppress and exploit the innocent.
Unlike the racists and nationalists of America, our only desire is to reunited the world and bring about one common humanity and one single global village in peace and universal brotherhood. How many liberal interventionist or neocon infidels have you ever heard saying that?!

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#HASHTAG

#SORRYIFYOUWEREOFFENDED

#IMEANIHAVEJIHADIFRIENDS

#ONLYACOUPLEMIND

#WELLDEARMEPEOPLEREALLYARESOSENSITIVENOWADAYSARENTTHEY

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Have You Ever Thought About Joining ISIS?


NOTE FROM WALLACE RUNNYMEDE:

We rarely republish pieces at Glossy News, even though the ‘Glossy News Classics’ occasional series will feature some great work from our back catalogue. But this recent piece was so hilarious, we are publishing it again! And a couple of minutes, my humble follow-up will appear here at Glossy News. I am afraid it cannot measure up to Kilroy’s great story here: but hopefully both pieces will be very enjoyable…

And thought-provoking!

Now, what on earth did I mean by that…

!

***

Greetings and salutations dysfunctional Western youth. God is great and so are you! We are ISIS and we are looking for a few good martyrs! Are you that special person who is destined to do great things for a great cause? Then we’re looking for you. Yes you! No, not you, the guy behind you. You there. You!

You didn’t stumble upon this website by accident. You were led here by a greater power. Isn’t that great? But enough polite western salutations and fragile ego stroking of weak infidels soon to die! Did we say that out loud? Sorry. Please allow us to to sing you a subliminal siren’s song about ten great reasons to join ISIS, with a Metallica sound track and nanosecond edited grotesque imagery at regular intervals.

1. Great Tax Breaks—As a member of ISIS you will no longer be required to pay taxes to the imperialist, godless devils of the United States of America. However we do require you make an occasional modest donation to the Martyr’s Fund, which we will use for hookers and booze right after you blow yourself up. Of course we realize such behavior makes us impure but we are willing to take one for the team. After all there is only so much room in Paradise.

2. Great Retirement Plan—Instead of the uncertainty that accompanies the economy you are currently enslaved to, ISIS provides a generous retirement plan for both you and your 72 virgins. Forget that pipe dream of ever owning an IRA and bingo on Wednesday nights… Tell McDonald’s to shove it and retire in the Gardens of Paradise with all of your friends. Read the full story

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OUTRAGE! ISIS/ISIL/IS/Daesh Tabloid Rag INCENSED by ‘Insulting’ Offer from ‘Greasy’ Tony Blair Faith Foundation ‘Charity’


• Blair’s chaplain confirms that former PM is ‘deeply wounded, not literally of course’ by the Islamist SNUB
• Dafiq editorial staff refuse to comment

Edgy ISIS/Daesh hipster black-top Dafiq has been hitting the headlines (and not just their own, either) lately for all the wrong reasons.

After recent wars of bylines and tweets with Gary Johnson’s campaign staff (no, us neither) and Chavezista hagiographical bioblographer Federico ‘Humala’ Acosta, they made their biggest PR misstep to date by choosing to publish an EXCLUSIVE editorial excoriating the popular former British PM and notable Kosovan expat Tonibler Jeorjbushi. Read the full story

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Ken ‘Red Ken’ Livingstone Loses His Shit over ‘Jewish Media’ Lies


Genial wheeler-dealer, establishment radical politico wide boy/white boy and notable non-racist not-quite-Marxist-but-kinda-getting-there-a-little-bit-vulgar-Corbynite-tankie-lad Ken Livingstone…

Is currently being interrogated by Labour for his recent antisemitic comments.

http://blogs.spectator.co.uk/2016/06/ken-livingstone-faces-music-home-affairs-select-committee/

Here’s Ken ‘Cheeky Chappie’ Livingstone’s latest Del-Boyishly-winsome Youtube rant:

OY! Listen ‘ere, yer FAHCKING MAHPPET! Ah ain’t got no time for this here sneaky Tory bollocks, innit! Read the full story

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Dick Cheney: We Have to Put Our Backs into Seducing Moderate Daesh (3/3)


And the utter soul-destroying horseshit goes on.

So, what else do we know about Moderate Daesh? Well, the Moderate Daeshis, just like their fellow MPIs (Moderate Political Islamists) the Muslim Brotherhood, always wear a condom…

Even when they are plunging the fear of God into the besuffered little children who are coming unto them, rather than into full grown men and big boys and their upright plastic Johnsons like you and me!!!

Moderate Daeshis, just like their fellow MPI counterparts in Tunisia, do not believe in torturing alcohol sellers to death. Read the full story

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Dick Cheney: We Have to Put Our Backs into Seducing Moderate Daesh (2/3)


The drip-drip-drip of resentful gushing (or at least, the salty current of ‘that’s a bit rich!’-nesses), crabbedly flowing forth from the highly creative and dynamic pen of Dick Cheney continues to swirl and course… Read the full story

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Dick Cheney: We Have to Put Our Backs into Seducing Moderate Daesh (1/3)


A confidential document by former dickwaver-in-chief, uh, dick waver in chief, uh, vice leader, uh, Vice President (as if!) Cheney has recently been uncovered to the world.

Well, this one has pretty much rocked all of us here at Glossy News, going forward.

Rocked us to the very marrow… Read the full story

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Bono & Peter Gabriel Slam Wagner: ‘Don’t Separate the Man from the Music!’ (2/2)


Bono continues:

No. If someone is an artist, it has to come as a whole package. Please, please, please, I beg and implore on the utmost bended knees of my soul and the deepest quivering palms of my heart:

Don’t misguidedly and ignorantly logic-chop and be selective, and say ‘I like this bit but not that bit.’

Yes, how about we just all recognise in our minds and more crucially still, in our hearts and innermost tender marrow of our souls, the essential spiritual unity and cosmic oneness of creation and of every creative person?

I can say to you now and forever: Read the full story

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Bono & Peter Gabriel Slam Wagner: ‘Don’t Separate the Man from the Music!’ (1/2)


Many music critics view Wagner’s music as problematic because of the composers’ anti-Semitic views. And yet, some argue that his classic works of opera are somehow separable from his hatred of Jewish people.

However, not everyone agrees that this is a reasonable view; or in some cases, even a reasonable question to ask!

So, we’ve asked a couple of real music experts (not some pathetic, pedantic, mainstream, dusty old music critics), to give their two (million) cents worth on this one.

Peter Gabriel

Anyone who says you have to “separate the man from the music” is a very, very dangerous person, to my mind.

I mean, don’t listen to these pedantic, upper-crust artistic celebrities and flamboyant, prima donna play-actors who are merely collaborating with the rich and powerful of this world, while pretending to speak up for the marginalised.

Well, guess what? They’re only in it for themselves. And deep down, they know it!

Read the full story

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Ben Carson: Episcopalians are WORSE than ISIS!


Ben Carson has recently made another epic Godwin fail. But who has had the dire misfortune of incurring his wrath this time?

Fifa & ISIS.

Uh, sorry!

Episcopalians & ISIS. One is a thuggish gang of jackbooted religious sectarians who want to undermine and destabilize our culture so the whole world can be exactly like them.

The other is a flamboyant gang of well-groomed cloak-swishing effeminates who are having a scandalous impact on the spiritual wellbeing of this world!

Well, I’ll let you all try and guess which is which.

Read the full story

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Putin & ISIS: Tyranny’s Latest Flamboyant Supergroup


Universally beloved plastic pop enterprise X Factor has finally lost its shine.

Yup! No-one ever believed this classic of early 21st century manufactured inanity would ever end up being discredited by a flamboyant and sexually doubting, um, sexually dubious former KGB Lenin lookalike…

But such is life!

Or as Louis Walsh would no doubt belt out in his cups:

‘C’est la Vie!’

Still, the hidden hand of the music industry has guided the nation of Russia to unanticipated progress; all by means of mere individual self-interest!

Yes, just see this storming (not to say stormtrooping!) video of Russia’s most swishiest Elton John admirer for proof: Read the full story

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Gingrich Clarifies/Muddies ‘ISIS Contract’ Situation (2/2)


Last time, I explained to you how a conciliatory Newt Gingrich™ attempted to liberate America from a very clear and present danger.

That’s right: the mortal peril of bigoted mudslingers holding firmly and dogmatically to merely one-sided and partisan views on the Islamic State.

I quoted Gingrich’s framing of one half of the dilemma: the pro-ISIS story. Because as we all know Newt Gingrich and John Kerry all know, there are always two sides to every story… Read the full story

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Gingrich Clarifies/Muddies ‘ISIS Contract’ Situation (1/2)


Bill Clinton has stuck his stiff neck above the parapet and wantonly defamed Newt Gingrich for his ISIS apologism.

Don’t vote for this cynical, Mafiaesque “contract-killing” bastard, if he ever runs for office.

Yeah, vote for someone really good, like… Read the full story

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Obama: “ISIS Must Train Our Kids to Use Guns Responsibly”


President Obama is concerned at the harsh stigma attached to militants of the Islamic State.

So he has some wise words for the more narrow-minded citizens, who take a merely partisan approach towards the Islamic State…

Now let me say this. The Islamic State, ISIS, ISIL, call it what you will (perhaps apart from the derogatory term “Daesh…”)

Yes, the Islamic State is a nation with whom we currently have some significant diplomatic obstacles, and breaks in the flow of communication. Read the full story

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