Tag Archive | "2012 presidential election"

God Gives His Endorsement- Sort Of…

We interrupt this website to bring you an important news development.

God has appeared in the clouds above New York, the news media center of the United States, if not the whole world. The Majestic One appeared upset and annoyed, his great continence etched with lines of anger and his eyes blazing.

His voice was powerful, echoing throughout every street and alley in Manhattan: Read the full story


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Florida Voters Stand Ready to Prevent Romney Zombie Apocalypse

GlossyNews.com – MIAMI – In a state plagued by natural disasters, exploding pythons, and the strangest politics on the planet, Florida voters are bracing for the latest horror — zombie apocalypse!

(This is a guest post from Rebecca Wakefield.)

Mindless walking dead consumed by a terrible hunger have been spotted in the Sunshine State, stalking residents preparing to cast their votes in the November election. Read the full story


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Breaking News: Romney Shows Human Emotion

GlossyNews.com – In a rare break from election cycle protocol, Governor Mitt Romney was permitted to stand before a crowd of reporters, in what they all agreed was the very moment they had been waiting for in the 16-months they’ve been following his inhuman campaign.

Mitt Romney showed an actual human emotion. Read the full story


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Romney Surging in Latest Poll of Comatose Unregistered Voters

In recent polls, President Obama continues to lead with several key demographic categories: women, blacks, Hispanics, gays, people under 25, people over 25, people who can do basic math, people who can identify Canada on a map, and people who can remember as far back as the year 2008.

But Governor Romney holds a narrow lead with the several key demographic groups: Mormons over 75, polo team owners, Goldman Sachs hedge fund managers, Rush Limbaugh, people who have never heard Romney speak, and Jesus. Read the full story


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Romney to Sway Female Voters by Showing Compassion, Penis

Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney today unveiled his new plan to persuade female voters to back his bid for the White House by showing them two things that have thus far remained firmly hidden: his compassionate, caring side and his vintage 1947 sexual organ.

He is hoping this strategy will win over voters who have so far been put off by policies that have been deemed as cold and uncaring, as well as those that will “get their kicks” from seeing photographic evidence of Romney’s “schlong”. Read the full story


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Meet Howard & Marjorie Grunfeldt of Pickerington, Ohio – America’s Last Remaining Undecided Voters

With each passing week, the 2012 presidential race is getting tighter and tighter.

The most recent Gallup poll has it at 49.99999999% for Romney and 49.99999999% for Obama. A dead heat.

Scientists have discovered molecules with more space between them than these polling numbers.

Just three months ago, the number of battleground states had narrowed to eight. In the past month, it has narrowed even further – to just one state: Ohio. Both candidates have been spending so much time in this state they now know most Ohioans on a first-name basis, as well as their pets. Read the full story


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Romney Post Debate Strategy: Flip-Flop More

The first presidential debate has inspired Romney campaign officials to change their overall strategy in order to gain a higher percentage of the upcoming vote.

After demonstrating his ability to completely drop previous positions, and offer new policies without concern of being able to deliver them, the campaign intends to continue to use this method over the remaining weeks of the campaign to break new ground and old promises.

While this will leave Gov. Romney with literally no true policy positions to offer in a post election victory, previous statements were so devoid of actual details that his senior strategists don’t foresee any issues with this new strategy.

Contacted on the campaign trail, top Romney advisor Ed Gillespie could not contain his excitement about finally finding the key to turning this election cycle around.

“We have always felt that the policies that were offered by our candidate were too focused on the conservative element of the electorate. The new policies that Gov. Romney is offering appeal to a wider cross section of the voting public. We were running without any specifics anyway so this is just a natural evolution toward total lack of detail.”

It remains to be seen if this will actually allow Gov. Romney to win the presidential election, but knowing that they never would have won otherwise it is a zero risk approach.

Recent polls show a swing towards Gov. Romney on the voter approval questions and this can be easily associated with his relaxed appearance as he describes various plans that he has no intention of implementing. As long as he can continue to avoid questions on the impact of the policies he may well have found his game changer.


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Top-11 Reasons Barack Obama Will Win the Election

As the election season winds down, the one thing that is clear is that the pseudo muslim usurper, Barack Hussein Obama, is going to walk away with this election handily.

But many looking at this election from the outside don’t see this quite as open-and-shut as those of us in the reality-stream-media do. Read the full story


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Top-12 Reasons Mitt Romney Will Win the Election

With the election heating up and the polls wiggling more and more every day (in favor of Barack Obama), we have to look ever more closely at the race.

The good news is that, at least according to a couple polls, the race is tied, and Mitt Romney could easily pull it out and win this thing. The better news is that, according to all the real polls, Obama is crushing it. Read the full story


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Mitt Romney Can’t Possibly Be That Dumb – Reaction From England

As the election campaign gathers pace, and the Republican Party appear to be exposing their inherent incompetency, a British correspondent expressed utter disbelief that any candidate for the Presidency, without doubt the most influential position in the world, could possibly be as idiotic as Mitt Romney.

“You’re kidding me! Right? Please tell me you’re joking. A candidate for the Presidency fails to grasp that you can’t open windows on an aircraft to let a bit of fresh air in?” asked Martin Shuttlecock, of Skoob News International. Read the full story


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GlossyNews Finds Man Who’s Never Heard of Obama or Romney

(GlossyNews) — Deep in the swamps of Louisiana, reporters for GlossyNews have discovered a man who has never heard of either presidential candidate. He is believed to be the last of his kind.

Inviting the curious journalists inside his spacious hollowed out tree, Boudreaux Fipps III, age 80-something, stunned the expedition with his total ignorance of politics. Read the full story


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Biden to be Replaced on Democratic Ticket by Complete Unknown

Washington, D.C. – A top Obama aide called Bob van der Valk today to ask him to consider replacing Vice President Joe Biden, claims the author of the New York Times bestseller “The Amateur.”

Efforts to reach the potential new Vice Presidential nominee were met with “No comment”, when he answered the phone at his home in Terry, Montana.

The suggestion to pick Bob van der Valk, who lacks having any experience on every level of holding this important national office, was made by the President’s advisors.

RIGHT: Van der Valk and Obama, together and delighted. (click to enlarge photo) Read the full story


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Mitt Romney Interview Accidentally Ruined by Candor

Recently I had a dream that one of my publications was big enough and safe enough that I could get an interview with Mitt Romney. The thought of someone having enough access and gravitas to actually ask a hard question is indeed “just a dream”, but the following interview gets pretty close.

Derek Johnstone is an Urban Outfitter-attired 30-something hipster from Seattle, and he’s the associate editor of “Like, Whatever” Magazine… the quotation marks are part of the title, meant apparently to be ironic.

Johnstone was brought in to consult the campaign on how to win over the independent vote, and what follows is their exchange.

Mitt Romney – [sarcastically] Boy, you really dressed up for this meeting, didn’t you?

Derek Johnstone – See, that’s the problem. Just like telling the people in single-use ponchos they “really sprung for the big bucks.” You failed the first test independents care about, you’re a condescending a**hole.

Romney – Look, I don’t appreciate that kind of language.

Johnstone – And you failed the second test. You’re a fuddy-duddy. Like when you called the cops on those people smoking pot on the beach.

Romney – I don’t have to deal with this guy.

Johnstone – And you failed another test. You can’t disengage just because it’s not convenient.

Romney – Are we finished here?

Johnstone – Why are you running for president?

Romney – This meeting is over.

Johnstone – Wrong. Fail. Try again. Why are you running for president?

Romney – Because I have a vision that will lead this country forward–

Johnstone–Really? Because that’s not how you’re running your campaign. You’re running like you’re entitled to be president and you’re just waiting for the huddled masses to come around and realize it.

Romney – My experience–

Johnstone – Which experience? As governor, CEO or just your individual success story, because we’re not allowed to talk about any of those. You’ve got the [Salt Lake City] Olympics but you gaffed that up, not to mention that we can’t talk about it either. You just shut us down and say we’re supposed to focus on the economy.

Romney – But the economy is in serious trouble.

Johnstone – Right, and nothing you have proposed will fix that. You’ve already convinced the base, but just wishing hard enough isn’t going to convince independents that the policies that put America in trouble in the first place are somehow magically going to pull us back out of them.

Romney – But [independents] don’t know what my policies are.

Johnstone – Right, because you haven’t actually stood up for anything except the Ryan plan, which is at best a disaster and at worst a looting of the treasury to benefit the super-rich.

Romney – We need to take action, and fast, if we’re going to take back America.

Johnstone – Take it back from whom, exactly? Take it back to where? Most of us are better off now than we were when Bush left office.

Romney – We need to take it back to balanced budgets, for one thing.

Johnstone – How are you going to do that?

Romney – Well I’ll meet with top policy advisers and come up with–

Johnstone –You won’t tell us your policies? It’s kind of a big deal. It’s kind of the whole deal. You won’t tell us your policies, you won’t release your tax returns, you won’t let us talk about Bain or your time in Massachusetes. What’s left that we’re actually aloud to talk about, what you say on the campaign trail?

Romney – The media has been very unfair to me out there.

Johnstone – Grow up. They’ve been easy on you to make it look like a closer race because that sells newspapers. They haven’t called you out as a liar for your constant flip-flops and outright fabrications.

Romney – Are you calling me a liar?

Johnstone – No, I’m saying the sky is green. Get real. You lie constantly. Let me show you by asking you a favor. I’m coming into some money soon from an inheritance, tax-free, mind you. What should I invest it in?

Romney – Blue chip stocks are always a safe bet. Maybe an Index Mutual Fund.

Johnstone – So you admit that all my pennies from heaven shouldn’t be used to create jobs. The whole deal where you call rich people “job creators” is a lie and everybody knows it. Me having extra cash I don’t need and dumping it in Coca-Cola or Home Depot is good for me and my money, but it won’t create a single job.

Romney – I think we’re finished here.

Johnstone – If you can’t have a frank discussion with one independent, how can you ever expect to win the votes from any of us?



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Obama Has Had It, Drops Out of the Race and Out of the Presidency

President Obama has shocked the nation when, at his monthly public address, he announced that he was quitting the Presidential race.

Millions of voters across the nation were either shocked, angered or joyous at the incident. As you can probably guess, it was the Republicans who were joyous. Read the full story


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U.S. Raises Gaffe Threat Level to Orange, As Romney Returns From Abroad

WASHINGTON – The U.S. Federal Election Commission today warned Americans of what it termed “an increased possibility of a major verbal gaffe taking place on U.S. soil within the coming days.”

The F.E.C. issued its warning after its analysts detected signals indicating that former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney had entered U.S. airspace and was apparently headed directly for the country. Read the full story


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Obama Apologizes For Time It’s Taken To Clean Up Bush’s Mess

President blames himself for underestimating extent to which his Republican predecessor managed to f*ck everything up. 

WASHINGTON – In a conciliatory address to the nation today, President Obama apologized for the amount of time it has taken for him to dig America out of the incredibly deep sh*thole it was left in by the Bush administration. Read the full story


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