Belfast residents have finally made their feelings known (as people up North undoubtedly do best) regarding a little-known sectarian atrocity from the most recent 12th of July…
When a loyalist flute band surrounded a Catholic youth club and started playing Nicki Minaj (!)
An official apology stated:
It was not actually our intention™ to play that there song, but us can appreciate that the young people might’ee thought we did. Our original intention was to play Beyoncé’s “Crazy in Love,” because we wanted to make a good cross-community gesture™; I mean, everybody loves Beyoncé; that’s not a Prod or a Catholic thing, aye?
But all of a sudden, some boy there hit a few bum notes, and gradually, against our will and our very best efforts™, the music somehow started mutating and edgin’ ever-closer to a Nicki Minaj medley… and try as we might, we just couldn’t get our band there back on track.
Anyway, we hope there aren’t no hard feelinses, and it will not stop the residents from enjoyin’ our catchy pop medleys in the future, or perhaps even joinin’ in the fun themselves for a right oul’ hooley, boys; fair play te ye!
A local mother somehow had the nerve to reject this highly plausible and self-evidently sincere apology™:
“It’s just not on, so it’s not™! I mean, we’ve experienced so many insults for the past few decades™; arson, window-smashing, kneecaps, people howlin’ and dirty Prod bastards barkin’ sectarian insults in every street of our city…
“Aye, but playin’ this here woman outside our youth club is the worst thing we’ve ever had thrown at us!…
“Well, apart from Jedward, but they’ve been performin’ in some dirty oul’ Brit bastard country, so it doesn’t bother us much no more.”
A local priest was also disgusted (for the very first time in his life, presumably):
“You know, it is simply DISGRACEFUL™. Yes, the flesh is weak, and of course I know the young people do listen to all kinds of sinful and cacophonously licentious music: Sugababes, Spice Girls, Nelly Furtado, Michael Flatley, and even the despicably LASCIVIOUS James Galway…
“But I never expected™ to hear THIS, of all things, outside a Catholic youth club building. We will all have to pray that these wicked young men turn from the error of their ways™, before it is too late…
“Quite frankly, the whole binary, metaphysical problematic of venial/mortal sin has been semiotically deconstructed before my very eyes. I just have no words to articulate the senseless acoustic depravity of this thoroughly transgressive event!”
However, an oh-so-conspicuously-(un-)concerned local “Concerned Residents Group™” is more dismissive:
“Sure what are all these here Papish boys cryin’ about™, shows how much time them there has on their hands™. Dry yer eyes, boys! Anyway, it could’ee bin worse, like™; them oul’ boys coulda been playin’ Miley Cyrus!”
The last word goes to Gerry Adams:
“Now, strictly speakin’, this here is not a Nicki Minaj song. This one was actually invented by our boys in a prison in the late 70s when the Brits made a brutal incursion, and then we were all singin’ and playin’ away..
“Um, I once toul’ you how after that there happened, them Monty Python Brits stole “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life…” well, this is that there other song I forgot to mention in my “Big Think” interview.”
Well, to be fair, Gerry, your memory is not your strong point. Can’t blame ye if ye forgot about that one, now.