The Republican Three-Ring Circus of Sub-Partisan Freaks

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, welcome under the Republican big top and prepare to be entertained by the incredible performers of Boehner Brothers (formerly Hastert & Boehner), America’s premier political circus. I’m John Boehner, your ringmaster for tonight.

Unlike other political circuses, we don’t just present one show at a time. We are a full, three-ring operation. That means no matter where you turn your head, there’s an amazing performance you just won’t be able to look away from.

Now if you will turn your attention to the far ring on my right or what we have dubbed “The Congressional ring”, you will be wowed by several acrobatic feats.

Watch as the amazing House Republicans introduce Obamacare defunding over and over again. Marvel as they repeatedly bring the nation to the brink of fiscal collapse.

Be amazed and astounded at the mathematical magic of Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell, who repeatedly turns forty per cent plus one into a majority.

To my left is “The Presidential wannabes ring” which doubles as the home of our circus’s clown contingent. Some of you are no doubt expecting to see our most famous presidential wannabes John McCain and Mitt Romney.

Unfortunately, neither of these clowns is with the circus anymore but I can guarantee you that our current cast of jesters is capable of just as many wild antics as their famous predecessors.

You’ll see all your favorite clowns like Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich and Rick Perry. You may even be lucky enough to be entertained by the best of the best from recent years like Ted Cruz, Michelle Bachman and the “Amazin’ Pauls”: Paul Ryan and Rand Paul.

Finally, if you look directly in front of me in the main circle, “The Republican donors ring”, you’ll be astounded by the taming abilities of our favorite bilious billionaires.

Thanks to the assistance of five-ninths of the Supreme Court, you can now watch the likes of Sheldon Adelson and the Krazy Koch brothers tame the wildest Republican presidential candidates making them eat right out of the palms of their hands.

We may not have dancing elephants or unicycle-riding bears but we have something even better: non-stop political shenanigans. If you thought politics was dull and unentertaining, you’re in for a delightful surprise as you’ll see astonishing things you’d never see anywhere outside Washington, D.C.

From sexual improprieties to overused filibusters, the Republican big top is sure to bring you ongoing, jaw-dropping entertainment unmatched in any jurisdiction west of Russia.

So, ladies and gentlemen, sit back and enjoy our three-ring circus. No matter where you look, you’ll be surprised, amazed and amused by the common sense-defying actions and antics of our team of unique performers.

But don’t delay. With this many no-net high wire acts, we may not last until the end of the year or even the end of the month. So sit back, open your eyes and be prepared to be astounded.

Author: Dave Martin

Dave Martin's humor and political satire have appeared in many major North American newspapers including The N. Y. Times, The Washington Post and The Chicago Tribune. His latest humor collection is entitled "Screams & Whispers" available on and he blogs at