FIFA president Sepp Blatter insists that he’s not using a fake name, but he also swears his sworn alliance to ISIS is likewise legitimate.
FIFA and ISIS. One is a ruthless, soulless dictatorship that destroys everything in its path and the other is an Islamic terrorist organization.
“It’s an obvious allegiance, and obviously I’m a honey badger,” bleated Blatter to the remaining three journalists willing to attend his kangaroo press conferences.
Soccer fans believe this merger will make FIFA measurably more compassionate moving forward. Soccer hooligans polled don’t give a damn either way.
ISIS representatives were unavailable for comment, as they were busy packing dynamite into Petra to destroy it once and for all, while simultaneously smiting rare dolphins into extinction.
“It’s been a busy week,” said ISIS head of Social Media, Twitter division, Achmed Baruch, adding “Hashtag wheremybiggirlsat?”
When asked for clarification, Baruch had been droned out of office, but his successor assured us, “seriously, I’m into big girls too.”