Categorized | Sports Scandals, War Zone

FIFA Joins Forces with ISIS: “It’s a Perfect Match”

FIFA Joins Forces with ISIS: “It’s a Perfect Match”

FIFA president Sepp Blatter insists that he’s not using a fake name, but he also swears his sworn alliance to ISIS is likewise legitimate.

FIFA and ISIS. One is a ruthless, soulless dictatorship that destroys everything in its path and the other is an Islamic terrorist organization.

“It’s an obvious allegiance, and obviously I’m a honey badger,” bleated Blatter to the remaining three journalists willing to attend his kangaroo press conferences.

Soccer fans believe this merger will make FIFA measurably more compassionate moving forward. Soccer hooligans polled don’t give a damn either way.

ISIS representatives were unavailable for comment, as they were busy packing dynamite into Petra to destroy it once and for all, while simultaneously smiting rare dolphins into extinction.

“It’s been a busy week,” said ISIS head of Social Media, Twitter division, Achmed Baruch, adding “Hashtag wheremybiggirlsat?”

When asked for clarification, Baruch had been droned out of office, but his successor assured us, “seriously, I’m into big girls too.”

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This post was written by

- who has written 506 posts on GlossyNews.com.

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

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3 Responses to “FIFA Joins Forces with ISIS: “It’s a Perfect Match””

  1. Mr TM says:

    “Simultaneously smiting rare dolphins into extinction.” Are they planning to offer an olive branch to Nisshin Maru? That’s a wee bit tokenistic and patronizing of them, isn’t it…

  2. Brian K. White says:

    Precisely it is.

  3. Dexter Sinistri in a Hurry says:

    Not to be provocative here, but is there any way you folks can dig me out a sex scandal? I’m not sure whether FIFA or ISIS present a better lead.

    Hey wait, was that a false dilemma?

    Actually, I’ve no idea. Just hit me up when you’ve got something.

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