Minneapolis, Minnesota – Adrian Peterson has finally shed some light on the child abuse case brought against him last week that led to him being placed on the NFL’s exempt list.
“To be extremely blunt, I have always disciplined my kids by beating them with breadsticks,” Peterson said Wednesday afternoon at a news conference inside TCF Bank Stadium.
“Why do I choose breadsticks over a more lethal object? Because of their soft, buttery makeup, which is much gentler on the skin,” added Peterson before demonstrating his technique in front of the 200 people in attendance.
Despite Peterson’s attempt to lessen the seriousness of the issue, there are still many that find his actions highly reckless and unbelievable as the charge stems from a whipping incident that left bruises and wounds on much of his 4-year-old son.
“Adrian Peterson needs to be crucified to the full extent of the law!” Proclaimed Lindsay Bahkedfriesh, President of the National Breadstick Association (N.B.A.).
“He has not taken into account that hot garlic butter from these breadsticks could burn a child’s skin or that the salt could get in their eyes. Not to mention the fact that he is abusing these gentle and endangered creatures. The N.B.A. will not sleep until this scumbread is behind bars!” Bahkedfriesh added, while attentively petting her purebread garlic poodle sitting on her lap.
In addition to those who find Peterson’s actions to be extremely irresponsible, the incident is now gaining attention from the scientific community. “Although it is difficult to comprehend Mr. Peterson’s mindset in choosing his disciplinary weapon, humankind can appreciate the cyclical nature of his decision,” said Swedish Psychoanalyst, Heinrich T. Heimichschlopper.
“The breadstick is a double-edged weapon, that when properly aged, provides the rigidness of a metal sword combined with searing garlic butter that is like getting acid on the skin or in your eyes. Simply astounding!” Added Heimichschlopper.
Peterson was indicted last week in Montgomery County, Texas on a felony count of reckless or negligent injury to a child and is scheduled to appear in court on Octobread 8th. This most recent scandal brings more bad news for the NFL, which is still dealing with the Ray Rice videotape snafu.