God, Allah and Jehovah were walking along a heavenly path, arguing as usual.
“Your people are causing trouble again and again and again!” God scolded Allah.
“Well, if Mr. Jehovah didn’t insist on having the Jewish paradise in the middle of our land then things might be a lot more relaxed,” retorted Allah.
“As I remember your people came charging through the entire Middle East a thousand years ago taking over everything and forcing people to become Muslim, by the sword, I might add.” stated Jehovah.
“Don’t call the kettle black, there, Jehovah! Your people have been quarreling and fighting since time began! Your own holy book boasts of it!” scolded Allah.
“And what about your so very proper holy book?” asked God.
“Oh, ha! And your people are so righteous! Dare I remind you of such atrocities as the St. Bartholomews Day Massacre or the subjugation of the entire Indian population of the western hemisphere under the illusion of ‘bringing them to God’?” retorted Allah.
It was just about to come to lightening bolts and beard pulling when there was a brilliant flash in the sky and a roar of thunder. All three gods stopped their bickering and gazed what would be considered “heavenward” were they not already in Heaven.
“Uh, oh!” whispered God. A huge, stupendous voice echoed out of what would be the heavens…were they not already in the heavens.
“Are you guys at it again?” thundered the voice. “Have you forgotten everything?” All three legendary Deities shuffled their feet and looked sheepish.
“Aaah….., no, Great One!” mumbled Jehovah eventually.
“This has been going on how long?” asked The Voice. “Umm, about a thousand years, Master,” injected Allah. “Longer,” sighed Jehovah.
“Well, quite frankly it is really getting old,” voiced the unseen issuer. “And that is saying something since a millennium is just a blink of an eye for us. Hold on, I’m coming down there!”
The “heavens” (or whatever you want to call them from this reference point) parted and a brilliant column of light radiated down to the ground (or whatever you want to call what you walk on in semi-heaven) and a glow at its base blinded the deities.
A form manifested from the glow. Soon an embodiment emerged from it. It was a smallish figure, human shaped in appearance, yet was indistinguishably masculine or feminine, not possessing distinct characteristics of either, yet seemingly embodying both. It was not of impressive size as were the other three gods, being only three feet tall, but had an astonishing presence, powerful aura and transcending intelligence. All three gods bowed to IT, the normally unmanifested high ONE whose Being was infused throughout every atom of the entire known universe and the unknown ones as well; the great IT, known only as Zoop…
IT said, “When I put you in charge of these earthly religions, I allowed you to have distinctly male characteristics. But you all seem to have gone overboard with this patriarchal thing! It takes two to tango in this world and that means that both the male and female embodiments are important. All three of you seem to have forgotten that.” The three deities looked downward in embarrassment and shuffled the sand around their feet with their sandals.
“All of your followers commit the worst atrocities in your names. And in their extreme self-centeredness, they believe they are right in your eyes. Do I ever see Buddha’s followers having this problem? NOOOOO!” “Damn straight,” yelled Buddah from a distance, reclined under a Bodhi Tree.
The three kingpins were starting to squirm under their Overlord’s criticism and their countenances turned red.
“You never hear this sort of negativity coming out of Shintoism, do you?”
“But, my Lord, there was the Heian Period from 794 to 1185 when Buddist dominance briefly blended the two religions….” started Jehovah sheepishly. “Get to the point or shut up!” demanded The Mighty Zoop.
“Um….what about the Japanese cruelties of World War Two?” Jehovah pushed the point.
“Yes, that is a good point, but the Japanese military and political top guns were behind that. It had nothing to do with their religion. At least until they died, that is. And you never hear of Zoroastrians causing any trouble.”
“Who?” they all said simultaneously. “Hey, I’m right over here, dudes!” said Zoroaster before being waved off by the trio. “Never mind,” said The Omnipotent Zoop. “They only have 200,000 followers these days, and nobody remembers who they are any more. Any way, it would really be nice if you three guys would get it together. People killing, bombing, shooting, raping, and torturing each other in the name of their gods is not great PR. Or are you guys secretly getting off on all this perverse adulation?”
Again the three gods looked down sheepishly and stole covert glances at each other.
“Oh, is that it? You three are really enjoying this, aren’t you? That does it! I’m taking the penises! And you all can be replaced, you know? I am making all three of you groundskeepers. In fact, I am sick of the whole human race. You remember what happened to the dinosaurs? They got too big for their britches too. I am simply going to make dolphins the dominant life form on earth. They have certainly shown their survivability, compatibility and durability over the millenniums and I certainly don’t see them shooting and suicide bombing each other.”
“Actually, it has been shown that dolphin pods have wars with each other, and dolphins have been frequently observed attacking porpoises…” started Jehovah before being shouted into silence.
“SILENCE!” demanded the Omniscient Zoop.
“You just HAVE to be right, don’t you,” muttered Allah to Jehovah under his breath.
“Anyway, you guys can get started on your new careers,” continued The Hormonally Balanced Zoop. “You’ll find your garden tools in the shed over by the golden stream. And I don’t want anymore trouble out of you!” The Great One disappeared as IT had come, leaving the three ex-gods grousing to themselves about their new fate as they ambled towards the tool shed.
Meanwhile, a horrendous collective shriek could be heard coming from Earth….the trio looked down to see the utter destruction their brief tenure had unleashed upon the world.
“You gonna clean that up?” God asked of the other two deities. And that’s when the fight began. Again.