LONDON – The International Olympic Committee (IOC) today announced plans to dramatically alter the usual format of the Opening Ceremonies, moving away from the traditional vibe of peace and goodwill and opting instead for a Hunger Games-style fight to the death.
The committee responsible for organizing the Opening Ceremonies, which will be held this upcoming Friday, claims the move was made to attract viewers and boost ratings.
Traditionally, the Opening Ceremonies include a parade of each country’s athletes, the entrance of the Olympic torch, and an artistic display representing the host nation’s culture. However, as Artistic Director Danny Boyle’s vision for representing the United Kingdom began to come together, officials questioned whether it wasn’t time for a new format.
“We were looking at Russell Brand and Adele riding into the stadium in giant teacups, surrounded by children dressed as chimney sweeps while Paul McCartney and Elton John sang “God Save the Queen,” said Amanda Cummings, a spokesperson for the IOC. “And we thought, ‘This has all been done before. We need to shake things up a bit.’”
“Sport is about competition,” Cummings continued, “so we figured, why not get right to it? You’ve got all of the world’s best athletes corralled together in one big stadium, why not let them duke it out? It’s a survival of the fittest sort of thing.”
News of the revamped format was met with an overwhelmingly positive response among the American public.
“Whoa, no shit, they’re gonna just fight it out? Like, for real?” said Greg Landon, 24, of Indianapolis, when asked for his opinion on the new plan for the Opening Ceremonies.
“Like, sudden death for real? I would totally watch those Olympics,” he added.
His girlfriend, Kelsie Wyllie, agreed. “That sounds awesome. The Opening Ceremony is so lame and it totally sucks that we always have to wait through all those other countries to see the USA team. Why can’t they call us America so we can go earlier? I just want to see the athletes I actually care about, like Peyton Manning.”
When asked about the effect this move would have on the rest of the Games, originally scheduled to run through August 12th, IOC members did not appear overly concerned.
“Well, yes, this new fight to the death format does mean the cancellation of the actual Games,” Amanda Cummings conceded. “But we find that, other than gymnastics and swimming, few people actually tune in to the Olympics. I mean, when was the last time anyone cared who won the gold medal in canoeing? Or badminton?”
“This simply makes for better TV,” Cummings concluded.