Perhaps you’ve heard of Canada, it’s the nation inconveniently separating the contiguous United States from the industrious state of Alaska. Despite their reputation as a nation “not having a reputation,” marketing executives have come up with a product that will finally put Canada on the map, which currently, at least on maps printed in the United States, it is not.
Canada has many domestic treasures, such as it’s lackadaisical laws on marijuana and prostitution, public health care, affordable pharmaceuticals, remarkably clean streets, and unspoiled scenery. Thankfully, none of these scourges are able to cross any border thanks to a battery of laws aimed at protecting American(shareholder)s.
Fortunately, as most everyone knows, the only two things that Canada successfully exports are hockey players and ugly women. The introduction of the Women’s National Hockey League (WNHL) takes the remarkable step of combining these two great exports into a product as yet unseen in the world market. (Some would argue that the WNBA exploited this niche first, but the WNBA has yet to be exported successfully. Or even had any interest generated in its home country, for that matter.)
Nike, long famous for their hesitation to exploit workers in developing nations, has promoted the WNHL as “wonderful, exciting, sexy and progressive,” according to reports on Reuters, adding, “check out our full line of WNHL authorized fashion hockey gear at your local retailer, with deep discounts on select apparel through Ground Hog day!”
Combining Canadian women with the Canadian pastime conveniently sidesteps certain problems inherent to both. For instance, in hockey, it is not uncommon to see people playing with missing teeth. Conveniently, many Canadian women come into the sport already missing teeth (primarily from opening bottles of Labatt’s with their teeth). Additionally, it is normal to see hockey players playing with nasty bruises to the face and black eyes. Again, conveniently, many Canadian women (at least from the French sector) are battered by their husbands, and therefore look the part.
How is the country that gave us William Shatner taking all of this? In stride. “Ay, we think it’s all a big ado aboot nothin’, ay,” said WNHL spokeswoman Cassie McDougal. “The WNHL isn’t just aboot hockey, it’s aboot firin’ up the hormones of our Canadian men. I’ll betcha didn’ know that there’s less sex in Canada, per capita, than there is in Vatican City. And why not? Look at us! We women are hideous, and the men are drunkards. We thought that maybe combining a sport with sex appeal – what we can get, at least – might just be the thing that finally sets the Canadian population climbing by something other than immigration,” she opined, adding, “ay?”
To that end, the women of the WNHL will be dressed similarly to the women of America’s Lingerie Bowl of 2004. They will compete in panties and bras with minimal padding (except perhaps in the bras) over top. Genevieve Carlotta, a WNHL “athlete” out of Montreal, states, “It’s nice to finally be recognized as a sex symbol. I mean, all these years I’ve been schlepping firewood and tossing down brewskies, nobody has ever looked at me just for my body. It’s always ‘what’s in your mind, what’s in your mind?’ Well, guys, I think I speak for all the women of Canada when I say there’s nothing going on up there! So just come give me a squeeze, take a tumble, and let’s start making some babies for Canada.” She added, “Eh?”