Bush Commands AF-1 Due South to Greenland, Stays the Course

Mere minutes into Air Force One’s flight from Andrews Air Force Base to Greenland, it was reported that President Bush entered the flight deck with commands to “Continue your southerly heading.” The President, known for his resolve, was undeterred by new information suggesting Greenland may instead lie to the northeast of Virginia, insisting, “If we change course now, the terrorists win.”

Flight Officer Elester Latham, the flight’s navigator, pointed out that an about-face would save some 38 hours of flight time but was relieved of his post.

Citing a mere 19,000 mile difference in the course, the President correctly pointed out that, “If we stay on our current course, we will ultimately arrive at our destination.”

“It makes no sense,” said Latham from the captain’s latrine-turned-brig. “I mean, if he could just admit that he was wrong, we’d be on the ground in like three hours. As it is, we’re going to have to fly over the South Pole and back around the other side of the world. We’ll have to do three or four midair refuelings. I just don’t get it.”

The President summarily demoted Latham and demanded his incarceration citing, “Trrrst [?] sympathy.” He added that “Those who give AIDS [sic] and comfort to Al Qaeda don’t know what it’s like to love freedom.”

Ground crew member Jason Franklin, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told reporters outside of his Morningside, Maryland home that, “It was supposed to be a quick trip. Nobody told us to prepare for a prolonged, drawn out, no end in sight sort of flight.”

Thirteen hours into the flight, a weary President Bush told the many angry reporters aboard that, “This was not a mistake, and this was not poor judgment. This course of action is just one of many correct paths to our destination, and you guys need to realize when I say we’re going to get there, then it means we’re going to get there.”

The pilot and flight engineer chose not to find fault in this logic and followed the orders as given, despite the inherent dangers of a cross-Antarctic flight with so many civilians aboard.

“So long as we cling to the ideals we’ve already established and adhere to them regardless of how different they may seem, how great the cost may be or however many experts speak out against them. Liberty and justice will prevail,” said the commander-in-chief from his presidential-class accommodations.

Senator John McCain issued a statement from his campaign office in Des Moines, Iowa, saying, “I fully support the President’s decision to tackle an uncommon journey by an even more uncommon direction. When our President says he’s going to Greenland, not even a pair of polar icecaps can stand in his way, and that’s the sort of man who belongs in charge of our nation.”

The added flight time wasted an estimated $648,000 in fuel (excluding cost of refueling tanker and crew), but no price is too great when it’s someone else’s money and you can say that you were technically right.

The flight arrived at 22:10 GMT Tuesday without incident, less than two full days behind schedule.

Author: Brian White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.