God Answers McCain’s Prayers with Resounding “No”

God, highest imagined power in all the universe, perhaps best known as the creator of day and night, took a few minutes away from his daily chore of answering billions of prayers for wealth, fame and sexual partners to publicly address a persistent request from one of his most visible, though least faithful followers, John McCain. “No,” said God, with a chorus of angels in accompaniment. “I will not honor the requests of you or Sarah Palin. Sorry. I have bigger things to deal with and you should stop praying to me for this.”

God, long known as a recluse, has never come forward to voice an opinion about a particular political candidate, offered a reason for his uncommonly vocal position. “I’ve got a lot of prayers to answer, and the ones I’m getting flooded with from GOP supporters are like Spam in my inbox. You reach a point where enough is enough, and I know I can just ignore it, but the wackos have really come out in force on this one, and it seems like the only hope they have left is prayer, and that’s unfortunate for them, because my answer is no.”

Gabriel, a spokesangel for God, told reporters that God is tired of his name being used for such selfish gain, and reminded us that “there’s a special place in the afterlife for such people, and it ain’t [heaven].”

“Listen,” bellowed God from behind a majestically lit cloud of amazing wonder, “if all McCain has to go on is fear, racial tension and outright lies, I can’t see why any reasonable person would vote for him… of course, I’m not a big fan of reasonable people, so maybe I’ve already said too much.

When asked if God would answer John McCain’s prayers “in a second,” with the implication being that it would actually be a thousand years, he suggested McCain has already been asking for this since he was a young man, a thousand years ago, and that the answer is still “no”.

God refused to endorse any candidate in the election, but also did not rule out his favor towards Mr. Barr, Mr. Paul or the black guy who seems to be faring reasonably well in the polls.

McCain/Palin campaign manager Rick Davis told reporters, “We don’t believe in endorsements, and we don’t need this one. We’re going to win on Tuesday, and if we have to go to Allah or that heavy-set fellow the Asians pray to, we’ll do that instead.”

Author: Brian White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.