The new season has already started over here, so time to take a more politically-conscious eye at the footballing world.
Strictly Come Quatsching
Notable literary critic and Daily Mail man of letters™ Simon Heffer has always wanted to build on the storming success of his Strictly English!
So, he has is now writing a book challenging the egregious abuse of clichés on the part of football commentators.
Look if you think about it bro, at the end of the day, we have no choice but to kick these thwarted Ciceros into the long grass. Basically mate, the bottom line is, if we don’t close the lid on this stuff right now, then it goes without saying, without the shadow of a doubt, that we are LITERALLY up shit creek!
Cold Sponge(r)s at Half-Time
The British government have introduced a new austerity plan, to ensure that all sports in the UK are economically viable. The ‘leisure and sporting activities economic viability tax’ will categorise all sporting activities and organisations into a purely objective and value-free™ financial hierarchy, so that the best man (or at an occasional tokenistic push, the ‘best woman’) may win!
Or, if not ‘win,’ at least avoid the direst of abject poverty, starvation, and keeling over in the street from lack of access to essential short-term or long-term medical care.
Wouldn’t have a Catholic about me Stadium?
In other news, the Northern Ireland Assembly have failed to pass a recent entirely unrelated DUP motion, calculated to destroy the financial viability of Gaelic football, and to confound a variety of other ‘Papishly-Knavish Sporting-Entryist Tricks.’ The measure was inexplicably withdrawn after a not-so-unspecified security threat. Former Northern Ireland head Briton and similarly-former notable public figure Peter Robinson was quick to play down the controversy:
It’s not the first time I…
Or indeed my party…
Or indeed anyone whosever in Northern Irish politics has had to say this…
But really, I simply have no idea what all this terrible fuss is about. I think people just need to be that little bit less oversensitive and tetchy, and stop looking for reasons to be offended.
I mean, I’m a key figure in the Democrat Unionist Party, so I know what I’m talking about!