I recently did my bit for Donald Trump on The Spoof. But I’m continuing to support him by reprinting my article here! You’ll see in a moment why I’m doing this
Donald Trump has recently expressed his heartfelt gratitude to every single goddamn satire writer on the face of this earth. But why? Well, I think you already know…
Hey! Listen up, you poor, miserable, deluded little satire writers. You guys thought you could make fun of the old Trump here, you thought I was just like all the other guys, right?
Yeah, I know what you guys do. I know your style. You did it to Clinton. You did to Bush. You’re doing it to Obama.
And somehow, you poor, pitiful little satire scribblers and jaded comedy hacks thought you could do the same to The Trump. Right?
Well, sorry, but you got the wrong guy. What you people just seem incapable of understanding is that I’m not like all the other guys.
I mean, sure, the kind of stuff you people do pisses off Jeb Bush. It gets Rand Paul into war mode. Bernie Sanders loses sleep over it, it enrages Hillary Clinton, Ted Cruz thinks you guys are all insolent bastards.
But what you pathetic losers don’t understand is that these people are completely different from The Trump. I mean, these other presidential candidates have this whole silly thing going on about ‘appearance and reality.’
But hey… guess what? That’s NOT The Trump!
I mean, seriously? Haven’t you guys actually worked this stuff out?
You know, for me, there is no appearance whatsoever, and no reality whatsoever: there’s just The Trump!
I am whoever I say I am, and I am whoever I make myself at that particular moment! Or even, dare I say it, whoever other people make me!
But there is just no underlying ‘real me,’ the actual, pristinely discoverable Donald Trump that you guys are trying to find, beneath the thousand-fold layers of high political performance theater and dynamic, disconcerting rhetoric!
And I know that deep down, you guys know it! And it really, REALLY pisses you off!
And there aren’t many things in this world that give me greater pleasure than that!
I mean, you people are just so pathetic, you don’t even acknowledge to yourselves what, deep down, you know is the truth…
I.e. that there ISN’T any truth. There is just NO ‘Real Donald Trump,’ and you can’t even admit it to your own selves, let alone acknowledge it in your pathetic pseudo-comedic scribbling!
I mean, the very idea that by satirizing me, or mocking me, or trying to make me look like a fool, is somehow going to harm my campaign? You guys are just frickin’ ridiculous!
No, there’s no way in hell that’s gonna happen! I mean, have you people serious not worked out what’s going on here?
Well, it’s just really stupid. You don’t seem to know that what you are doing is the air in my nostrils, the very blood in my veins, the endless supply of spiritual material sustenance that drives me, inspires me, and keep me running forever!
It’s as though you all want to know: who is the real Donald Trump?
All-American Patriot or Globalist Entrepreneur?
Xenophobic Nationalist or Defender of American Jobs?
That Greedy Corporation Guy or Our Principled and Public-Spirited One-Payer Healthcare Advocate?
I could go on.
And trust me, I will!
But how about I just help you out here, and round things off.
Come 2016, I will be striding through those doors, and standing on that lawn, laughing and smiling…
Hell, I might even permit myself a smirk or two!
But you know what? I’ll make DAMN SURE I will be thanking my greatest friends and allies of all.
Well? Any ideas?
Hm. Well, speak up? Hm? Cat got your tongue, huh?
Nope! Not Bill Gates.
Nope! Not George Soros.
Nope! Not the Koch Brothers.
Nope! Not MSNBC, CNN, or even Fox News.
Instead, when that grand and glorious day dawns upon America, I will be thanking the greatest, most reliable and helpful supporters I have ever, EVER had.
Well, I think we all know who that is, right?
Yeah. Thought so.
And when that day finally comes…
Well believe me, my friends! The joke will be on you.
And on absolutely NO-ONE else!
So until then…
ENJOY THE RIDE, SUCKERS!
Oh, and by the way, if you’re really bored, read this achingly tendentious and sycophantic piece from the Onion:
Well, at least now you know who my REAL friends are, dontcha!