Baltimore, Maryland – “That’s not the foundation for a healthy relationship,” suspended NFL running back, Ray Rice, shouted to the media from his front doorstep, Friday morning, moments after seeing video footage of a couple in his own neighborhood discarding spoiled fruits and vegetables.
“Man, that couple needs a FoodSaver vacuum, stat!” Rice added, while shaking his hand loose after knocking out his 102-year-old blind neighbor because she told him that he was not as fast as he used to be.
The produce wasters, Vanessa and Garlton Fremont, claimed that their refrigerator has been on the fritz for the last month and were forced to throw out several items, which they estimated to cost $1.43.
“This is our fault. We are definitely in the wrong. We thank Ray Rice for bringing this serious issue to everyone’s attention so that we can solve our bad habit,” the married couple said just before entering the rehabilitation organization known as B-R-E-A-D or Belligerent Refuse Energizing Aggregate Delectables.
The organization was first started by the Olive Garden in 2009 when the now extinct restaurant chain came under fire for wasting uneaten breadsticks that used to come complimentary with the purchase of any entrée.
Ray Rice has been under extreme scrutiny as of late after a video surfaced earlier in the month of him knocking out his then fiancé, Janay Palmer, in the elevator of an Atlantic City hotel in February. Rice has since been suspended indefinitely by the NFL and scorned by everyone.
“He’s setting a great example,” said Hall of Fame quarterback, Terry Breadshaw, who has been arrested nine times for domestic abuse during the course of his four marriages. “Ray [Rice] gave her the old bread to the head move I used on my second wife, JoJo Starbuck, back in 1983,” an intoxicated Breadshaw garbled in the middle of a busy street near his Westlake, Texas home, while polishing off a bottle of Old Grand-Dad whiskey.
The NFL has had two additional issues arise since the Ray Rice incident with arrests against Arizona Cardinals running back, Jonathan Dwyer and Minnestoa Vikings running back, Adrian Peterson for domestic violence and child abuse, respectively.