Tax Evasion As Public Policy: The AMT/Gordian Story

Skyrocketing health care costs are a major public policy issue. The Affordable Care Act has limited mechanisms to reign in these costs, but, really, we, the providers of health care products and services, must lead on this issue. We must innovate new, creative, and effective ways to eliminate excessive and unnecessary financial burdens.

When it comes to cutting costs, we at AMT/Gordian, consider ourselves trailblazers. Since our inception, we’ve focused on eliminating one major financial drain. Which one? Federal Income Tax. How did we cut it? We never paid any. Is that even legal? Shhhhh, don’t speak.

America’s corporate tax rate is 35%! If something regularly consumed 35% of your budget, wouldn’t you do everything you possibly could to eliminate it? Especially if all it took was some paperwork and a complete lack of ethics? Of course you would. And of course we did, because that’s the AMT/Gordian/New-Name-TBD way.

Let me tell you our story:

American Medical Technologies (“AMT”) was founded in 1994 by Gerald Del Signore. From 1994 until 2007, not only did we not pay any federal income tax, we didn’t even file a single income tax return. This wasn’t because we had no money – we were pulling in $35 million per year – but because, as they might say, you can’t spell “making millions by evading taxes” without “evading taxes.”

In 2007, his highness Mr. Del Signore sold AMT in a sham transaction to Gordian, which was wholly owned by him, his wife, and his kid. There’s nothing more American than a family business, right?

Of course, we kept using the AMT name, logo, staff, and resources… but we changed our corporate name, so it’s cool. Every great innovator changes names when the heat is on: Arthur Anderson consulting became “Accenture” around the time of Enron, Philip Morris is now “Altria,” and even Darth Vader goes by “Anakin Skywalker.”

All through this whole journey, we continued to evade taxes. (Sure, the IRS is trying to recoup $17 million in back taxes and liabilities, but, pfft, like they have the resources to do it? Ha).

From our very unbiased and not-at-all-perverse perspective, those 17 million dollars are actually “health care cost savings.” You’re welcome, America.

And consider this: By not even filing taxes for 13 years, we also saved hours of labor costs for the cash-strapped IRS. So it’s a win-win-win all around.

Furthermore, had we actually paid our taxes, losing all that money would have made us sick to our stomachs. Which, of course, would have required medical attention. Which would have raised health care costs. Which would have caused us to earn more money, and pay more taxes, and feel worse, and get more medical attention, etc. ad infinitum. So, if we had done what was legal and ethical and right, it would have started a vicious cycle that would have destroyed the America we love and so faithfully exploit.

Here at AMT/Gordian/Whatever-Shell-Corporate-Name-Is-Next, we’ve always operated under one core philosophy: “What’s good for our company – and its sole owner and his family– is good for America. Probably.”

“Oh,” you might ask, “but what about the lost tax revenue?” We believe being broke will motivate Americans to work harder, and manual labor is exercise, and exercise improves health so… Boom! More health care savings right there. We at AMT/Gordian/All-Hail-Satan never stop giving. I mean, we never stop taking. Whatever, giving, taking, who can tell the difference?

Bottom line: Our bold and ridiculous tax evasion has been good, patriotic public policy because it sort of, kind of cuts health care costs. I’m sharing our strategy with you because if there are enough dishonest, disreputable, and shameful cheaters, they won’t be able to catch us all.

Yours in disrepute,

Jeff Kreisler
Chief Satirist

Author: Jeff Kreisler

Jeff Kreisler is an award-winning satirist, bestselling author (“Get Rich Cheating”), sought-after speechwriter, frequent TV writer, producer, and on-air talking head, syndicated radio host, TED talker, and internationally-touring comedian. His work has been praised by the likes of The New York Times, CNBC, Monty Python’s Terry Jones, Rachel Maddow and, of course, Penthouse Magazine. After stops at Princeton, Virginia Law School, and San Francisco, Jeff now naps in New York City.

1 thought on “Tax Evasion As Public Policy: The AMT/Gordian Story

  1. This is amazing!! If it weren’t so corrupt, it would even be funny!
    I wander if the IRS was satisfied with this effort? Or did they continue their investigation into the deeper and mysterious working underway? Who knows.

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