Categorized | Sports, Sports Scandals

Six Significant Sporting Bans for Lance Armstrong

Six Significant Sporting Bans for Lance Armstrong

Now that Lance Armstrong has been officially banned from “Sport” for life by the USADA, Glossynews with the help of WikiLeaks has uncovered associated bans in the fine print.

While Armstrong still maintains the USADA power to enforce the ban is as illegitimate as Snooki’s baby, he vows to cease resistance since it is obviously futile.

Besides being banned from the upcoming Iron Man competition in October, he can no longer participate in the New York Marathon among other sporting events.

Below are the six significant bans placed on Lance Armstrong by the USADA.

1) From this day forward, Lance Armstrong shall not be able to wear sports shoes. The only shoe he will be allowed to wear is the loafer. This also applies for other attire such as sports shirts and even “polo” shirts (which is a sport and would technically fall under USADA authority).

2) It is forbidden for Lance Armstrong to ever drive, ride in or wash a sports car, even for charity. Sports utility vehicles are exempt since they are neither sporty nor utilitarian.

3) Lance Armstrong shall not under any circumstances sport a new haircut.

4) For the remainder of his life, Lance Armstrong shall never be considered a good sport.

5) Lance Armstrong is banned from even watching sports. Therefore, when asked rhetorically from the television if he “is ready for some football”, he must immediately stand and declare, “No! I cannot even participate passively in sport! But, thanks for asking.”

6) Lance Armstrong is banned from consuming sports bars, sports shakes or sports drinks of any kind. If the USADA suspects Armstrong has indeed consumed a sports drink, or if he is accused of such by any questionable sources, he shall immediately be banned from “beverage” for life.

When asked by the USADA if he understood the full restrictions of the ban, Armstrong replied, “What the f**k do you want from me, blood? Oh, right…” The USADA is currently investigating if being called “bloodsuckers” violates any area in which they have nebulous authority.

In an unrelated story, the USADA is investigating the Gingerbread Man after accusations of Mexican vanilla doping. According to an unnamed USADA source, “There’s something suspicious when nobody can ever seem to catch him no matter how fast they run.”


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Deceased and recently reanimated writer haunting websites worldwide. The Afterlife has no cable TV so I initially came back as one of the Writing Dead on the Internet. But you can literally starve looking for brains to eat on some sites. Lost and disillusioned in the Netherworld, I wandered in limbo looking for meaningful work. I worked on Bernie Sander's campaign as a ghost writer until I was approached by The Sith and reanimated as a Sith Writer. Sure they could use a better dental plan but I 'm back, in black, and dressed for Sithcess.


4 Responses to “Six Significant Sporting Bans for Lance Armstrong”

  1. Brian K. White says:

    He’s also banned from sleeping with Sheryl Crow… so that’s got to count for something.

  2. Sheogorath says:

    Actually, I believe that’s a general ban on sleeping with crows as a result of Lance Armstrong’s conviction for bestiality, but he conflated the name of the woman he was using to try and hide his secret with the name of the actual subject of his ban, and that’s why he split up with her.

  3. Turk says:

    He is only excluded from showing sportmansship, but he can still bang Sheryl’s brains out. All she wants to do is have a little fun anyway. But like u said, he can’t be a good sport about it, so he’ll just drunk pump her at a motel 6.

  4. Kilroy says:

    Lance can do Sheryl at Motel 8 or anywhere he wants as long as no cameras are involved. If he films it, it’s porn, which is technically “sports bonking”. With a name like ‘Lance’ he’d have gone far in the biz.


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