Hot Soccer Uniforms Promise U.S. Interest in Tepid Sport

Soccer, long considered the game of little girls and college athletes who can’t get scholarships for a “real sport” makes a lobby once more to break into the American market. This time it’s not aimed at corporate ownership or potential network affiliates, but rather straight to the fans. The STRAIGHT male fans, to be quite specific.

Ever since the surprise hit film, Bend It Like Beckham, Americans have had a burning desire to know who this ‘Beckham’ fellow is and which sport it is that he claims to play. While Americans have been unquestionably slow to latch onto the world’s number one sport, one thing they’ve never hesitated to embrace wholeheartedly is women in tight clothes…indeed, ever so tight they may literally be painted on.

The World Football Committee is comprised of national representatives from every victorious nation in the world (except for America, which has claimed retroactive victory in World War II despite historical records) and they’re not about to let the bloated consumer market-base known as the ‘U.S.’ slip through their grasp.

“We’ve never had any so-called ‘cheerleaders'” explains Frans Fernando of the Committee for World Football Advancement (CWFA), “but we’ll entertain admitting water girls to the sidelines with subtly-modified uniforms.” Adding, “They want sex appeal, we can certainly deliver it.”

These skimpy smudges pass for uniforms, thank God.
These skimpy smudges pass for uniforms, thank God.
American market analysts say perhaps not. Water girls toting trays of Gatorade to sweaty footballers may seem alluring to the CWFA, but Americans won’t be tuning in unless the girls are wearing size Super-Small all-cotton tank tops, butt-revealing lycra shorts and squirming under boob-heaving hose-downs in front of sausage-eating, leering fans.

“We may not know much about soccer or whatever it is they’re doing out there,” said the head of one sports entertainment agency, “but I can tell you this: line up a bunch of jiggling girls with gigundo funbags at both ends of the field, have them jiggle, gyrate and grind for a few minutes and then turn them loose on each other, and….well, that’s a little thing we call Numero Uno in the Neilson ratings.”

“Let me put it this way. Have you ever once seen a riot at an NFL game? No. Do they have totally hot, half-naked cheerleaders everybody wants to bang the bottoms out of? Yes. Coincidence? Please. Maybe we don’t know much about ‘futbol’, but we know the only person wearing tight shorts and knee-high socks out there had damn well better look good in a ‘Sloppy Soccer Sluts’ porn sight.”

Author: Brian K. White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

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