Alien Adductions Reach Epidemic Proportions

NASA is growing irritated at incomplete missions fouled by meddling do-gooder aliens returning humans to earth prematurely in the name of stellar safety.

Alien abductions have been fabled for centuries with festive highlights ranging from anal probing to impregnation, with very little in between. Alien adductions, conversely, have been documented with increasing frequency. This is the incident of extra-terrestrials snapping up humans, and bringing them back to earth, rather than taking them away.

“Currently there are two unmanned shuttles orbiting the earth,” explains James Freeman of Mission Control Houston. “plus to the International Space Station, which has been vacant since March. We’re running out of resource to keep [the shuttles and station] in orbit much longer, and controlling them all from the ground is a real challenge.” According to NASA press releases, it seems every rescue or recovery mission since August has been adducted within 48 hours of launch.

Zdnorak speaks candidly before a gathering of tabloid journalists.
“We’re only trying to help,” say representative spokesaliens. “When we see humans and we approach them. When they see us they kick and scream and yell. What would you do? We rescue them, bring them back to earth where they can be safe. Humans aren’t very good at being in space.”

“Yeah, I freaked out,” said one astronaut on the condition of anonymity. “Alien comes up all snarling and legs flailing while I’m trying to replace a wire harness on the space station? Come on, my nerves are already frazzled to begin with, but when that happened, I just lost it.”

NASA officials further added, “We already know the risks [involved in space travel] God damn it, we just need to do our work! Now quit screwing with us and leave us alone. If we have to sign a waiver or something, then we’ll do it, but seriously, you have to knock it off.”

Author: Brian White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.