George Zimmerman, best known for shooting and killing the unarmed 17 year-old African-American Trayvon Martin, was back in a Seminole County Courthouse this week, having been arrested for and summarily convicted of aggravated assault for allegedly throwing a wine bottle at his girlfriend.
As part of his sentence, the judge ordered Zimmerman to surrender any and all firearms in his possession immediately.
Glossy News: What was your reaction to the sentence?
At first I was pissed! My name’s ZimmerMAN, and here’s this judge up on his high horse, taking away my guns and treating me like a ZimmerBOY! But then, you know, I cooled off, and I gave up my guns; I mean, I had no choice, but I felt like a BIG part of me was missing. So I did the only thing I could do – I bought me a lifted 2003 Ford F-350 with aftermarket tires and naked lady mudflaps.
GN: What is it about this truck? What attracted you to this vehicle after your latest court appearance?
You know, I’ve thought about this question, myself. Before this incident, people would see me and they’d say, ‘There goes that tough-as-nails badass, George Zimmerman. He’s a gun-slingin’ hero, like in the Wild West. Don’t mess with him, because he’ll stand his ground all over your face!’
And now, of course, I’m still a badass, but I was a badass that would get rides to court …so I needed some wheels, and when I saw this truck, It just spoke to me.
GN: I see. That’s a serious machine. Do you do a lot of off-roading or…?
Nah, I mostly tool around town here. I’m not working right now, but I have my routine. Just today I took my pitts down to the gym.
GN: I’m sorry, your….?
Pitts. My pittbulls, Colt and Remington. ‘Remi’ for short. I just tell ‘em, I say ‘Colt! Remi! Get in the truck! It’s gym time!’
GN: You take them to work out with you?
Hell, yeah! I tie a rope to a kettlebell and they go crazy. My dogs gotta pump iron to be little badasses like their badass owner.
GN: And where did you find this truck?
Well, after my court hearing, I was still pissed off, and I went to my buddy Vince’s tattoo shop to get some work done. That’s when I saw this truck in his lot and talked him into selling it to me.
GN: Oh, so you’ve gotten a tattoo recently? Care to tell us about it?
(lifting right pant leg to inner thigh) It’s an 11-inch Florida Kingsnake
GN: Why is it shaped like that?
It swallowed a space shuttle as it was taking off.
GN: Interesting…Does it symbolize anything to you?
Yeah – The snake – it’s me. Florida pride. Kinda like Don’t tread on me. I stand my ground. Just like a snake…The space shuttle is taking off from Cape Canaveral. Also in Florida.
GN: Oh.
Florida. Cape Canaveral, Florida. It’s a Rocketship. NASA.
GN: Yeah, I got it….So, you bought this truck, and where is the first place you—
–On patrol! Yeah, I volunteer with the Sheriff’s Department here. Make my rounds, report suspicious behavior. I don’t have Ricky the Revolver and Otto the Auto anymore, but I have a bullhorn that lets ‘em know. I’m here. I’m watching. I’m Zimmerman. This face (points at face) Ain’t.
Goin’. Nowhere.….And between you and me, I have a badass Supersoaker if they want to push their luck. Got it at Toy’s R Us with a gift card from my grandma…Bitches!
GN: Ok, so this truck helps you to do your civic duty. Where else do you go in your truck?
My badass dojo. Bottom line. Hand-to-hand combat is the only way a man can defend himself when the government takes his firepower.
GN: Oh, you do martial arts? So karate? Judo?
Self-defense. I tried to get into the karate class, but they were all intimidated by my badass reputation so they wouldn’t let me in. I went down to the YMCA and got in a self-defense class with Sensei Ralph. He’s old as dirt, man! I think he fought in Korea…Anyway, it’s cool.
Mostly chicks in there, but I’m cool with that. Right now, Sensei Ralph said I can stick around if I wear the safety suit and let the women practice on me, but after my first year, I’ll be in there throwing punches…It’s fine. They still know I’m the alpha male…
Except that Gertie broad, if she makes one more cute little comment after groin kicks, I’m gonna stand my ground all over her face!…Anyway, best part about it is, there’s no (does circular motion around face).
GN: I’m sorry, what does that gesture mean?
(does circular motion around face) You know, suspicious people? (Winks)
GN: Wow. I think this interview is over.
Writer’s Note: A standard follow-up on Zimmerman’s claims revealed that Zimmerman’s friend from the tattoo shop merely loaned this vehicle to him, and a stolen vehicle report has since been filed. Also, the Seminole County Sheriff’s Department deny any association with Zimmerman and do not condone his behavior in any way.