NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ – In an interview with Glossy News, Middlesex Adult Corrections Facility inmate “Dirty” Joe Palestine proclaimed his innocence and announced his heartfelt appreciation for the millions of people around the world who agree that Palestine deserves his freedom.
Palestine, whose offenses spanning from 2006-2010 the New Jersey District Attorney called “the most blatant acts of unlawful voyeurism for sexual purposes (he) had ever seen,” has never admitted to any wrongdoing in regards to the 146 charges of peeping tom-related behavior.
“I’ve been saying all along that I am completely innocent of the crimes that the state is allegatin’ [sic]; but I didn’t think nobody believed me.”
Indeed, if the jury’s reaction to the case against Palestine is any indication, nobody did believe him; at the conclusion of the week-long trial, which included testimony from dozens of eye witnesses and overwhelming DNA evidence, jurors returned to the courtroom after a record 13-minute deliberation.
“I felt my heart drop. Guilty. Guilty. Guilty… and on and on. Every count,” Palestine chuckled to himself, “And then came sentencing. 11 years! Forgetaboutit…For lookin’ at some delicious females through a window or two….allegedly.”
So “Dirty” Joe Palestine was unceremoniously cuffed and shackled and taken here, to New Jersey’s medium security Middlesex Adult Corrections Facility.
He settled in, got into a routine, and established himself as a model prisoner. After six months he was even granted internet access in the prison’s library.
“Sure, it sounds cool, but the guards actually make me use a really old Mac because the nature of my alleged offenses prohibits me from looking at Windows blah, blah, blah…”
Then, one day, Joe decided to Google his name.
“That’s when I found out,” Palestine beamed, “I have supporters! Maybe nobody came to my trial, but I have supporters now! People I never even met! From Jersey! From outside of Jersey! I was astounished [sic].”
At this point, Palestine produced a list he had penciled on the blank pages from the back of a novel.
“People of the internet, thank you for your support! There’s a whole friggin’ hashtag thing on Twitter- hashtag FreePalestine! Hashtag ISupportPalestine! And Free Palestine groups on Facebook, websites, all kinds of shit. There’s even a kickstarter for me? What am I, a friggin’ Vespa? But seriously, what a kickstarter is, I do not understand at dis time.
Howard Stern– My man! Thank you, bro! I didn’t know he cared. I used to listen to his raunchy show and get pumped up before I went out at night on my…..walks.
Jon Stewart – Another Jersey boy! His comedy’s beyond me, though. Gets all political all the time. How ‘bout some Andrew ‘Dice’ Clay? Eh, Dice? If you read this, I’m your biggest fan! Free Palestine, bro!
Kim Kardashian – I’m touched. You know her, from the TV, with the body and the face and the sex appeal and whatnot? Did that video with what’s-his-name? Eh? How’s she doin’, am I right? If I ever get out of here, I’ll look through her w…websites.”
Joe claims his fans include thousands of big names from abroad.
“Sweden! The country! Man, who knew they even got American news there. I keep thinkin’ of the hot blondes they must have on every corner there, you know? Maybe when I get out of here I’ll move over there to Europe, get me a nice pad. Lots of nice neighbors. Hey, do they got trees in their front yards or tall bushes or anything like that? No reason.
Soccer players like Ronaldo over there in Europe. I guess soccer is a big deal over there. Hey, if he wants to throw some attention my way, more power to him. I don’t know who this guy is for the life of me, but hey, keep kickin’ them balls I guess…
ISIS – Thanks, I guess? But I ain’t stupid – those are the mooks over there in the desert that cut off heads and shit. I don’t need that kind of heat; I’m up for parole next year.”
We asked Joe how he would like his newfound supporters to help him, “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe one of these rich celebrities or foreigners pops for a decent lawyer for me? Maybe they file an appeal?
Maybe they come as character witnesses to my parole hearing next year? Not all of them – just a couple dozen would be nice….Or maybe just knowing that so many strangers care about me is enough to keep me warm at night here. Take that, Victim Impact Panel; take that, parole board- people do love me!”
Middlesex Warden Netanyahu declined our requests for an interview, but his spokesperson issued a statement in which he makes no promises of Palestine’s prospect of parole, but assures the inmate that if he maintains his current good behavior status “we will do our part in making every effort to facilitate freedom of movement and access around the prison.”