Newbie Presidential candidate Bargis Tryhol, who narrowly missed his 2010 presidential window, has created his first piece of legislation in hopes of curbing the spiraling US debt. Tryhol hopes to place the bill before the Senate Leader some time in the next few weeks, though admits tracking him down and getting it past his security detail may prove problematic.
The legislation, SBx7834, authorizes Congress to set up an International Lottery, and every US embassy, consulate, and foreign office will be retail outlets to purchase the lottery tickets. Each ticket will cost $1.00 US. There are no restrictions and any person on Earth can purchase as many tickets as they want.
According to Tryhol, “We have all these really cool National Assets sitting around and most just cost us additional overhead to keep them in operation. I say, let’s use them and make some money!”
The lucky winners will receive various prizes that will be awarded immediately following the drawing on July 4th of each year. Recipients are encouraged not to be present to be eligible, and non-resident winners will be flown in and issued a temporary visa in order to receive their prizes.
FIRST PRIZE
The first prize winner will be crowned Czar of the United States (a ceremonial position only, but a prestigious one nonetheless). The term is for one year. The winner will officiate at major sports events, NASCAR races, and at the UN as a special representative. In addition he/she will receive the exclusive use of a (drug confiscated) mansion, a fleet of limousines, a yacht, a private jet airplane, guards, servants to use while serving in this position, plus $100 million dollars tax free.
SECOND PRIZE
This winner will be commissioned as a top-ranked US Navy Admiral for a week and command a United States carrier battle fleet. The winner may go anywhere they desire. As a special treat, the winner will get to launch a small, nuclear tipped missile at a select group of South Pacific islands, abandoned of course. The lucky winner will receive $25 million tax-free dollars and free radiation tests for life.
Plus, the government will tell the winner one (1) state secret. You know, like who really killed John Kennedy or the truth about UFO’s and the current whereabouts of Elvis.
THIRD PRIZE
A ride on the Space Shuttle and a one week stay at the space station. And get-real-lucky date with Adam Lambert or Taylor Swift depending on winner’s preference. Two premium tickets to the next Super Bowl, a Mercedes Benz S-600, and $10 million dollars. Plus, a personally guided hunting trip with Dick Cheney (refusal to take this trip requires winner to opt out of entire prize.)
FOURTH PRIZE
You get to repeal one law (Tryhol suggests repealing gravity,) star in a first-rate Hollywood movie, a pair of Homeland Security X-ray vision glasses, a full-size zepellin to ride around in, free HBO for a year, and $5 million dollars. Plus, an intimate dinner with Barney Frank at his apartment.
FIFTH PRIZE
This winner will get a 10% share in the ownership of Glossy News, a date with Brian White, free drugs of your choice for a year, a brand new Lexus, a total make over and wardrobe, and $5 million dollars!
Lottery tickets will go on sale January, 2011.
The following text was not approved of, nor read by, candidate Tryhol.
Editor’s Notes: We have not fact-checked this story, as attempts to do so have thus far proved completely impossible. We do know that above-ground nuclear detonations were banned in 1996, but since the treaty hasn’t yet gone fully into effect, I guess there’s still some wiggle room. The last Space Shuttle mission will be flown before the first ticket is sold, so a substitution may occur. Lastly, I did not authorize partial ownership release in the site, nor a date, but if doing so is my duty as a patriotic American, and it results in dramatic reduction in the national debt, it would be an act of treason for me to decline.
I would suggest, however, that simply offering US citizenship as a prize might be more effective in terms of cost and appeal anyhow. Isn’t that like winning the lottery?
Well thought out, Brian. You bring the alternative into the light.
@L-T On college tuition issue I simply ask, are we a people striving for justice, or are we like those twits in Europe?
Which twits in Europe? There’s this jingoistic notion held by some that America is better than every other country in the world in every single way. That’s no longer true, obviously. It’s that kind of thinking that stops us from staying out in front (and justifies any invasion, any war crimes.)
I don’t want the poor educated for justice, I want them educated for selfish reasons. More education means less crime, lower birthrate, less social service expenditure, less prison expenditure, and WAY more tax & social security revenue going back in the pot. We need them out there inventing, investing and working their tails off. They can’t make that future real without an education.
Government report in the last couple years said a college grad makes $1 million more in their career. That means at least $100,000 in extra federal taxes, though probably more like $200,000. That doesn’t count all the other additional taxes (sales, excise, FICA, state, etc.)… an education costs FAR less than that. Mathually, it would be a smart investment to get our citizens educated, even if we have to foot the bill.
And touche Mr. White; this is after all a satire website. Wasn’t intending to be overly serious, however? I’m the same about politics as I am in factory management. Factory management is a great place to learn politics BTW.
Give me 50 of the most Liberal citizens and 50 of the most Conservative citizens, and in six weeks we could hammer out together some pretty good compromises for 2/3 of this nation’s ills.
We could do that because there’s no profit motive for us in allowing the problem to fester, and using it to divide this country.
On college tuition issue I simply ask, are we a people striving for justice, or are we like those twits in Europe? If there’s a kid out there (and there are many) born in Mexico but brought here as an infant, what is that kid, if not a US citizen? This is the only home they’ve ever known.
Who wants to deport that 18yo kid, born in Mexico but hasn’t been there in 17 years? Step right up, look that kid in the eyes. The sins of the fathers shall not be visited on the children.
@Liberties… “That’s just mathually true. But two maxims attend consideration of some Mexican born 18yo who wants to attend Fresno State?”
Mexicans aren’t born at 18 years of age, they’re born at zero years just like ‘Merkins… wow man, I’ve heard of the mythical donkey shows, but if you think they can give birth to babies of that ginormity, I can understand the anchor baby hysteria.
King Solomon would be proud of you L-T.
Well wait a minute? Mr. Broken Feather’s statement is mathually accurate on face value. Is true a newly minted US citizen from Iowa would pay more tuition at Fresno State than would a person born in Mexico who’d lived in Fresno 15 years and gone through the K-12 CA school system. That’s just mathually true. But two maxims attend consideration of some Mexican born 18yo who wants to attend Fresno State?
First, states have sovereignty. They get to make their own rules, provided those rules don’t violate Constitution or contravene Federal Law (Supremacy Clause). So Iowans wishing to matriculate in CA play by CA state rules, and vice versa.
Second, I’m the Glossy News token extremist Faither. I accept the sovereignty of the Creator. Says in Ezekiel the sins of the fathers shall not be visited on the children. I’m not willing to kick anybody out of Fresno State, or make life tougher on them, just because they got toted across some border in the middle of the night at age three.
We Faithers enjoy some advantages, in that some things are settled Law, and it’s beautiful to us. The sins of the fathers shall not be visited on the children.
@Cletus… you said “I would not suggest offering American citizenship as a prize. If the winner were to decide to go to a university in California, it would be cheaper for them to pay in-state tuition as an illegal alien than for them to pay full, out of state tuition as a United States citizen from another state.”
This is wrong. If a foreign national takes US citizenship, they have to wait 3-years to satisfy residency requirements, EXACTLY like the illegals. Being an illegal doesn’t automatically qualify one for in-state tuition rates, it just doesn’t bar them.
You said it would be better for them to remain illegally than to become citizens, and that’s not true. Illegals don’t have it better, they have it, in this case, equal.
It’s that darned Right wing CNN again! I built houses in Tucson about 3 yrs in the late 1970’s. I worked with some form setters I’m certain were illegals. Illegal immigration was very diff picture before the Coyotes made it big biz.
Exactly. The law has been on the books for 8 years and the CA Supreme Court just upheld it in their ruling. The news also says that there are at least 10 other states with similar laws on the books. The students have to prove they went to high school in California for at least 3 years and graduated from a California high school. You jumped the gun but you did correct it. Thank you.
My mistake. Apparently, it was the California Supreme Court. Here’s the link to a front page article in the L.A. Times:
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2010/11/undocumented-students.html
Brian,
It was reported on CNN radio Tuesday afternoon that the California legislature voted to give in state tuition rates to illegal aliens. I was listening to CNN radio on my XM in my car while traveling cross country. No distortions, ignorance, or lies.
Keep yer mexi-hatin’ to yourself, Cletus. You have to know by now when it comes to such things I have no patience for willful distortions, simple ignorance, or outright lies.
For illegals to get in-state tuition, they still have to meet in-state tuition requirements. They can’t just cross the border that day and enroll. Remember, they also have to qualify for the school. These are the kids of parents who are working, fueling the economy and raising college-bound kids.
If you understood what happens when you educate poor people, you’d support free eduction. Hell, you’d pay for it out of your own pocket.
That’s just dang hilarious writing! Good job Mr. Bogus Tarball!!!
Brian, I would not suggest offering American citizenship as a prize. If the winner were to decide to go to a university in California, it would be cheaper for them to pay in-state tuition as an illegal alien than for them to pay full, out of state tuition as a United States citizen from another state. That’s right, check it out. On Monday, the California legislature approved giving in state tuition rates to illegal aliens!
NO! NO! NO!
WE’VE GOT TO STOP HIM BEFORE HE GOES ANY FURTHER!!!
Forget the blindfold and the firing squad! That is too good for him!
Instead waterboarding then a quick rendition to Afghanistan for a traditional stoning followed by a celebration featuring camel hor d’oerves and belly dancers in full burquas.
We’ve got to stop this menace to the American way of life before it is too late. Better now than have a Kennedy like fiasco after he is in office (or let’s say a James Garfield like fiasco for more accuracy).
I’ll get on the line with Putin for some polonium 210 if someone else could contact the Hamas jihadist assassination division and the Chechen wet affairs officer. With the recession we’re on a budget this time so it will have to be done cheap.
Of course, the whole thing could be forgotten for a little… incentive, let’s say. Say perhaps a second prize with a night alone with Sarah Palin thrown in too? Hint, hint….