After Arresting Thief, Officer in Custody for Dismembering Football Fans

DALLAS, Texas (Glossy News) — Lifelong Dallas resident, 82-year-old Opal Katz, was walking down busy Reynolds Street, struggling to drag two large plastic garbage bags behind her, when one of the bags ripped and began spilling new $20 bills onto the sidewalk.

Dallas Police Officer Melvis C. Parsons noticed the bills pouring from Ms. Katz’s bag and stopped writing a parking citation in order to help the elderly lady.

According to Parsons’ sworn statement, when he pointed out the trail on money on the sidewalk, Katz replied, “Oh heavens, I’d better go back and see if I can find them all.”

After thanking the officer, Katz attempted retrace her steps. Parsons, however, found the situation suspicious and questioned Katz about the large sums of money stuffed into the plastic garbage bags.

According to the arrest report, Katz explained to Parsons, “You see, my back yard is right next to the Dallas Cowboy’s stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of guys come and pee right through the fence onto my beautiful flower garden! So, now I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thingy through the fence, I grab it and say, ‘Twenty bucks, buster, or off it comes.’”

Parsons’ suspicions grew when, according to his report, Katz offered contradictory and overly ambiguous evidence to prove her legitimate ownership of the money. Her fate was ultimately sealed when Parsons interrogated her about the contents of the second bag.

“Well officer, you know not everybody pays!” she said.

Ms. Katz has pleaded “not guilty,” but local authorities have arrested Officer Parsons on three counts of extortion, assault and battery, and improper storage of waste within city limits.

Author: Bargis Tryhol

Hello, I'm Bargis Tryhol and currently live somewhere in the southern part of the USA. I have been writing humor for quite a few years and love to make fun of the liberals who in recent years seem to be falling by the wayside in droves. My online following is fairly large now, so a big 'shout out' to all who have embraced my lopsided humor. I do appreciate the support. You can visit my website Satire World for more outrageous humor.... SatireWorld.com Comments or retribution? Bargistryhol@aol.com