Categorized | Politics, Strange People

Michele Bachman, Unaware of Y2k, Attacks Bill Clinton

Michele Bachman, Unaware of Y2k, Attacks Bill Clinton

CROOKSTON, Minnesota (GlossyNews) — The Republican Party, frequently criticized for being behind the times and completely devoid of new ideas, has taken yet another strategy from Newt Gingrich’s 1994 GOP Playbook. Michele Bachmann, one of the most prominent she-publican fundraisers, seems to have been advised to do as Reagan would have done, and attacked Bill Clinton in hopes that it will renew her place as the representative from Minnesota’s less-than-competitive 6th district.

FiveThirtyEight.com puts Ms. Bachman as 98% favored to win, and Pollster finds the race so uncompetitive that they won’t even rate the race, but still she has money to spend, so it seems the best use of those funds is by attacking non-competitors.

“We tried to get Monica to come back for a second term, but her agent wouldn’t even let her see the script,” said Mal Anónimo, a campaign operative who spoke with us off the record. “Besides, I think she’s probably too old and fat now.”

Why go after deputy-assistant also-ran Tarryl Clark when you can use the money instead to go after a greater evil… Bill (and/or Hillary) Clinton?

Michele Bachmann, perhaps best known as the second-best unintentional singer on Auto-Tune the News, the slightly less slutty secret cousin of Katherine Harris, or as the pumpkin queen to John Boehner’s Hallow’s Eve special, isn’t sitting on her laurels. She’s taking full advantage of her political capital, and she’s on a spending spree, eager to burn through all the campaign money she’s garnered, even if it means placing ads on lowly sites the likes of Glossy News.

No more on this story as it develops.

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- who has written 513 posts on GlossyNews.com.

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

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