Kagan Birth Certificate Controversy

ODESSA, Texas Commonwealth (GlossyNews) — While it was initially believed Elena Kagan’s Supreme Court nomination would move ahead with only token opposition, such hopes are fading as Congress begins the summer recess.

Backed by the Tea Party affiliated Citizens for Legal Official Documents, Senator Denton R. Fender (R-TX) announced today he will filibuster the Kagan nomination. At issue are recent rumors that Ms. Kagan wasn’t born in New York, as some documents claim. It appears she may have been born in Kenya.

Speaking from his Dallas office, Senator Fender detailed the seriousness of the charges. “Yeah, I got this 87 year old midwife from Kenya, and I think her story is credible. She attended the birth of Elena in a village just outside of Nairobi. You know what else? According to Ms. Odinga, Elena Kagan had a fraternal twin. So I think the CLODs have a point. We want to see Ms. Kagan’s real birth certificate; and what happened to her twin brother?”

On questioning, the third term Republican displayed his legendary combativeness. Asked how many birth certificates he thinks people have, Fender said “That one she showed at her Solicitor General confirmation, it looked kind of all right. But this is the Supreme Court; a lifetime appointment. Can’t be too careful.” The Senator went on to say recent investigations have raised grave doubts about the New York birth certificate. “The CLODs tried to contact the Doctor who signed as attending Physician and were told he’s dead. Well, how convenient.”

Reminded that the Constitution doesn’t require Supreme Court members to be native born, Fender explained his theory of ‘subliminal original intent’ when interpreting our founding document. “They didn’t put it in the Constitution because they figured nobody would be so stupid as to put a Kenyan on the Supreme Court. That should be obvious to anybody.”

The Senator vehemently denied ‘Kagangate’ is politically motivated. He played the frayed, dog-eared ‘elitist’ card while simultaneously appealing to family values. “I know you Manhattan cocktail party types. You wouldn’t understand corny old patriots like me, trying to help reunite a family. Somewhere out there may be a man with a twin sister he doesn’t even know about.”

In an unrelated story, comedian Mike Myers today released a press statement saying he was born in Canada.

Author: Liberties-Taken

I write gags for Glossy News when an idea pops into my pumpkin sized head. Don't make a big deal out of it, OK? I contribute to my local food pantry and you should too.

5 thoughts on “Kagan Birth Certificate Controversy

  1. No,no!!! How many times do I have to repeat myself?!!
    The SEATTLE Bridge! SEATTLE!!!!

    Good article! Clever.

  2. See? Come witness the oppression of the masses! I tried to contribute something to the smartass, sarcastic community, and what do I get for it? Smartass sarcastic comments, that’s what!!!

    It’s enough to make me wish I’d jumped from Golden Gate bridge, as rfreed keeps encouraging me to do!

  3. This article is one of two submitted attempts, wherein I attempt to write an overtly partisan parody in Will Rogers spirit: Mockery but never malice.

    I welcome any constructive criticism. And I DO think Kagan looks like Mike Myers in a dress…

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