Categorized | Human Interest, Religionism

Khomeinisexuality: Meet Iran’s Radical Love-Cleric (Part 2/69: Jizz be Upon Me)

Khomeinisexuality: Meet Iran’s Radical Love-Cleric (Part 2/69: Jizz be Upon Me)

Tribute

Encore une fois: this one’s for Charlie Hebdo. Nous sommes tous Charlie.

Ok, you’ve heard from the people men of wisdom; to wit, the only people who really understand enlightened fucking erudite fiqh rulings from the inside (pretty damn deep inside… and not just fiqh rulings!).

Yes: clearly, Ayatollah Khomeini either is more sexually enlightened than his depraved and despicable hell-bound haters previously thought…

Or else, the wicked and despicable people of the book have committed yet another egregious forgery; the latest in a long line of unprincipled and pernicious textual falsifications.

I mean they once forged the entire Bible and left extant thousands of existing manuscripts of the pinko-liberal fake-ass version we have today; even some SELF-EVIDENTLY fake papyri dating back to the first century AD…

While simultaneously managing to destroy every single version in existence (without exception) of the real Bible, which latter they just couldn’t jive with…

fred phelps common sense

You know, the REAL, i.e. Islamic one that is pretty much the same as the Quran, and that would have (shockingly enough) made the Quran itself pretty damn unnecessary and superfluous, if only those bastard people of the book had just ended up not fucking bareback fucking up, as we always do…

But yes, even this feeble parlour trick, a blasphemous, Orwellian respect-crime against that fictive sky-patriarch and celestial crotch-ego-masseur up there; you know, the slightly sexier and more charismatic version of Zeus, Sauron, Lord Xenu or the Shah of Iran…

Yes, this was nothing in comparison with this despicable atrocity; inexcusably directed against that 80s sexy bear sexy-bearded dick-feast, Candyboy A-2-the-special-K.

From The Sublime to the Ridiculous

But I can’t get away with just quoting informed and legitimate authorities, sadly. So just check out the following quotations from some decadent Western infidels.

John Kerry, surprisingly, has weighed in on this contentious topic, which as always, has absolutely NOTHING whatsoever to do with him:

“I guess in one sense, it’s absolutely true to say that the Ayatollah was an absolutely brutal despot who abused and subjugated the entire female community and non-transgender LGBT individuals… sorry, that was a bit right wing, I meant LGBT integral synthetic components of society…

“Yes, thoroughly vicious, without qualification; a man utterly lacking in any redeeming feature whatsoever.

“But the other side of the truth, which is equally undeniable and obvious…

“Is that he was a real egalitarian; a true sexual liberator, the like of which our world has never seen before, and probably never will see, unto the Ages and Ages of Global-Villaging Eternity.”

john kerry sexual morality

Newt Gingrich concurs:

“You know, you’ve guessed it, I’m an ideas man. There’s too much dogmatism, too many strongly entrenched opinions, about this guy. Right?

“So… you’ve guessed it, let’s be pragmatic and avoid the politics of disagreement. I guess we can try and find middle ground on this one.

“Well… no idea how, granted. Fuck knows, I mean, the various opinions and factors all appear irreconcilable as Hell. He’s no Bono or Richard Wagner, put it that way…

“Still, as always, I believe it’s not a time for mutual mud-slinging, or the inflexible debatiness of arbitrary accusations and counter-accusations.”

From the Ridiculous to the Unbefuckinlievable

But the last word goes to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (who’d’a fucked funked it!):

“There is no middle side of the bed! The Truth is as one! You are either graciously giving it out or accepting it with joy! You cannot give and take with The Truth!”

As I observe his more or less slightly irritated-looking wife pouring him a glass of more or less halal, non-kafr, low grade moonshine (not staring too closely though), I ask, “So what do you think about the alleged ruling?”

But my new bathhouse buddy is less eager than normal…

(Sorry, I mean, more reluctant to give me a back good answer):

“Mmm… let me get back to you on that one.

“Ooo, that’s some ass, baby.


“Well, having tapped said that, my bitch ain’t no lame-ass driver in a shitstorm, either!”

At this, I gagged like buggery, being not quite fully appreciative of this godly sentiment, and spat out the following:

“The fuck? You talkin’ to me? Hm?…Your gorgeous wife not happy, huh? What’s the problem? You ain’t giving her enough satisfaction?”


“Well, I mean; like, OMG dude, it’s like I totally haven’t f___’d with this bitch in a while, so I’ll talk to you when I’m in a better mood and have banged some blazing ass with it, comin’ at me to me creampuff-porkie-pop-a-longs, EECHEE-KAYA-DOOBIE-MATE! OOF!

“Aye, fucking loving it, darlin’, ya knows it! But it’s not all that pappy-poos-oo-oo-KATCHA, sometimes. If I can’t fix this shit, fix my prick, fix my wife, fix my boom-boom-time in the nighty-me-rhymes, she’s gonna end up getting jiggy with that ugly, well-hung Zionist-Nazarene kafr-next-door.

“Yeah-yeah-baby, have to be generous enough to save her and deliver from all that kinda sinful indoors-outdoors-crapolification and unbearable and hideous temptationisms… because from deep down to low down, she is my equal, you know…”

I couldn’t take it any longer…

“Really? You shitting me, right? YOUR EQUAL? WTF you on about? What’s all this hippy shit? Cute-ass, PLEASE!”

Gave as good as he got:

“Equal, darlin’? Well… yeah, -ish. Y’know, within reason. Surely a nice hot-ass young bitch like you of some kind of gendered status or other (FUCK YEAH, SWEETIE!) will not deny that God (i.e. not Muhammad, peace be-a-yada-yada, but GOD), says we are equal, but men have a station above the likes of her. Quran 2:228.”

The Consolations of Theology

“Within reason?,” says my new big-time bedfellow? Why, that sounds a wee bit like what a certain kinda GOP candidate thinks about homosexuality; they also “don’t mind gayness” either… “within reason.”

Well, clarity on intense issues is always nice. Then again, so is finally getting rapturously boned-up-to-blazes when your faux-disciplined, hyper-pious spouse has been neglecting the hell out of you for months while he bangs the crap out of his crusty clerics kama sutra piety manuscripts.

I mean, God gave non-shitty people sex, but theocrats always fuck it up. Typical.

AHEM…

Oh… and by the way. Nothing or no one in this world is so sacred that people need to be killed for it. It’s not about being “for” or “against” Islam; I’m neither “for” it nor “against it.” All religions, like all ideologies, are creations of human beings, and hence have their own positives and negatives. Like every religion, Islam has its upsides and downsides. It has virtues, and it has flaws.

Hence, Islam is no more a legitimate “exception” from satire than are neocons from the Republicans, top-down condescensionists and patronage pimps from the Dems, or anyone else. We can all laugh at whatever the fuck we want! There is no greater tribute than being taken seriously (in a most “unserious” manner) by a satirist who points out what otherwise might remain “noticed by everyone but un-noticed by all.”

But what kind of a humourless prick wants to “defend the honour” of a key historical figure by pulling this shit and attacking innocent people? Fuck you. Fuck your shitty self-indulgent, self-congratulatory code of honour. Fuck everyone who is shitty and misguided to ever have wanted you to be anything other than six foot, sorry 10 billion foot under, and counting.

And fuck all you stand for. Whatever God may exist out there, be it Ha-Shem, Waheguru, Jesus or Allah, he sure as hell doesn’t support you. If reality is so hard for you, please do the decent thing and hoist that belt. Hoist it high, my friend. Hoist that shit FUCKING HIGH. Fucking piece of shit.

“There is no compulsion in religion.”

Well? Does that feel tight, love? Relaxing isn’t it. Yup! Nice one, darlin’… Glad you’re doing the decent thing.

Oh, and by the way…

Fuck you.

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