Innocent Hillary Unjustly Victimised Re: “Dead New Yorker” Comments

Future disgraced US President Hillary Clinton…

Sorry, I mean, disgraced future US President Hillary Clinton…

Well, to keep it simple, the somewhat more talented and principled member of the Hill and Bill double act (gotcha!) has recently turned up uninvited to a funeral in New York.

Well, not exactly “uninvited,” as such. Actually, some PR wonk from among the People That Count™ told me that Clinton merely made an “unplanned appearance.”

I asked what the difference was between “turning up uninvited” and “making an unplanned appearance.” The answer, apparently, is that I wouldn’t understand…

Well, I have apparently been brainwashed by all my readings of extreme right-wing ideologues like Friedrich Von Hayek, Karl Popper, Isaiah Berlin, and John Stuart Mill.

“You forgot about Adam Smith,” I helpfully added; well, I didn’t want him to think there was a gap in my classical liberal bookshelf.

“Adam who? You mean the inspiring… sorry, the troubled 1970s pop singer from that England country?”

Hmph… typical lame-ass Beltway geography; not to mention a glaring lack of serious educational achievement.

Anyways, despite gracing a crowd of several dozen mourners with her conspicuously concerned presence™, Clinton didn’t seem to make the positive impression she and her PR manager hoped for.

Martin Harris Fletcher had died in mysterious circumstances. He had a variety of long-term health problems, and was found lying unconscious in his apartment, where there were signs of a break-in. In addition, his pantry was empty, and he appeared to not have made any cash withdrawals for quite some time; so there was also a possibility of starvation.

(Pretty sad story… at least compared to your average self-indulgent SJW circle-jerk on Reddit).

On account of all these factors, the cause of death had remained undetermined. Coroners were left scratching their heads, and had to send a regretful apology to Fletcher’s family, saying they weren’t sure how he had died, but they were pretty damn down with taking the inquest fee anyway, if his increasingly impoverished family didn’t mind too much.

Father Benedict O’Reilly conducted the funeral:

“It is a great tragedy for the family of Martin that no-one knew exactly how he died; but whatever the cause of death might be, he was a caring and friendly neighbor, and much beloved in his own city and beyond…

“Indeed, there are rumors he was very popular indeed with the fair sex, but I think I should not be spilling the beans on what he has told me confidentially in the confession box… not here and now, anyway!”

At this point, Hillary Clinton made a witty and incisive liberal observation™; albeit one which did, somehow, appear to cause a degree of offence™ to not a few among the mourners:

“Well, with all due respect, Pastor… in this church right now, we now have one dead New Yorker!™”

Amid gasps of horror from enraged and despairing onlookers, Clinton continued to red-line her interlocutor, ramping up the rhetoric (Bush/Kerry style):

“I mean, sure, IT COULD HAVE BEEN the low blood pressure, the HIV, the heart problems, the history of depression, anxiety and suicidal tendencies, yada yada yada… The asthma, the IBS, the eczema, the bladder pains, the bad breath, the alopecia, (that’s bald-headedness to the likes of you), the gallstones, the toothache… whatever… The squinty eye, the insomnia, the winter fatigue, the yuppie flu, a few scrabbly remnants of the erstwhile flamboyant gingerness on his scalp, the funny-looking mole on his right cheek… blah blah blah…

“Or indeed, his pretty damn obvious and glaring speech impediment, and his highly probable sexual frustration, on account of his generally unappealing and unattractive physique… Well, why not? Or even the alleged break in, for the sake of argument…

“And I mean, hell, just throwing this next one out here… maybe his wife or children just put some poison in his whiskey, ‘cos they were sick of the sight of him, and wanted a quick cash injection, so they could buy a new flashy car or something!

“I mean, God knows! Shit happens! IT COULD HAVE BEEN ANYTHING! But seriously… WHAT DIFFERENCE, AT THIS, POINT, DOES IT MAKE?!”

At this, Father O’Reilly paused gravely, in order to collect his thoughts.

“Well… it matters to me. I have known this good and kind man a long time; and it matters to the people gathered here today, and to the Church as a whole, as another child of God even now, is being ushered into the presence of his loving Father. And most of all, it matters to the family of our dear friend and neighbor, Martin Harris Fletcher….

“And it even matters to your fellow Democrats, now that your pathetic antics have lost them 2016! I guess everyone will be voting GOP now; and it’s ALL YOUR FAULT! Too bad, Hillary!”

At this point, an (as always) unjustly humiliated President (sorry, former First Lady) Clinton and a poorly-concealed camera crew™ slunk out of the chapel with their tails between their legs. For some inexplicable reason, this glorious victory exit occurred amid angry glares from most mourners, a few jeers from others, and the sobs of Fletcher’s family.

Perhaps one day, I will bring you a helpful commentary on this saddening incident; from a prominent, conspicuous and more-or-less-highly-respected figure in the objective media.

Author: Wallace Runnymede

Wallace is the editor of Brian K. White's epic website, Glossy News! Email him with your content at wallacerunnymede#gmail.com (Should be @, not #!) Or if you'd like me to help you tease out some ideas that you can't quite put into concrete form, I'd love to have some dialogue with you! Catch me on Patreon too, or better still, help out our great writers on the official Glossy News Patreon (see the bottom of the homepage!) Don't forget to favourite Glossy News in your browser, and like us on Facebook too! And last but VERY MUCH not the least of all... Share, share, SHARE! Thanks so much for taking the time to check out our awesome site!

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