Dems/Reps Concoct “Jefferson Bible” Sequel

Believe it or not, Thomas Jefferson’s famous pick-and-mix assortment of Godly Greatest Hits, known as the “Jefferson Bible,” isn’t all that, nowadays; not even to the GREATEST CHRISTIAN AUTHORITIES OF ALL™…

Well, Ted Haggard never mentioned it in Jesus Camp, Answers in Genesis never allude to it, and Pat Robertson almost appears oblivious to its very existence…

So it’s only fair that in yet another highly constructive act of cross-party co-operation, the Democrats and Republicans have made their own sequel to the Jefferson Bible. All they needed to do was take the Bible and cut out all the bits they didn’t like!

…Well, that wasn’t going to be difficult; to be fair, both sides are pretty damn good at that! (Especially with certain other “old-fashioned and outdated” document(s), which shall remain nameless).

The meeting started with an anonymous memo from Newt Gingrich:

“Hey, sorry I couldn’t make it today. Maybe cut out Malachi 2.16, or even Matthew 5.28? Don’t bother looking this stuff up for me, I’m sure I’ve got the reference correct; go on ahead and cut it. Thanks…

P.S. Seriously, DON’T look at the passages in question. Newt.”

Sorry, but it’s hard for any of us in the objective media™ to miss a good shit-stirring opportunity.

“I hate divorce, says the LORD God of Israel” (Malachi 2.16).

“But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart” (Matthew 5.28).

Next, Rand Paul suggested Matthew 10.34: “Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.”

Paul commented:

“Well, I do feel that’s the kind of foreign policy recommendation we’re trying to get away from, right?…

“Well, until the next crisis happens, and I have to pretend to get a bit hawky, so that when I run for the ticket, the mainstream neo-con contingent™ don’t wipe me out! Hah!”

John McCain snorted:

“I just don’t want to hear any more of this nonsense about “the lion lying down with the lamb.” That’s just a recipe for disaster. Anyway, this is from the OLD TESTAMENT, so Christians don’t need to follow it.

“Oh, by the way, why do Israeli diplomats and politico types always get pissed when I call it the “Old Testament?” I mean this is OUR property, it’s in OUR frickin’ Bible, so if Jewish people want to call it something else, they’d better have a DAMN GOOD REASON! Otherwise there’ll be consequences!”

A somewhat more conciliatory Grover Norquist meditated:

“In the Hebrew Bible, there’s a lot of stuff about the throne of God and the dominion of the Lord. Well, that was fine, back in those days… but as well all know, Jesus came to drown big government in the bathtub. So please remember that…

Well, apart from when you next need to vote for me, and then you can make an exception…. Well, my neo-con buddies do tell me that politics is the art of exception par excellence.”

Nancy Pelosi genially remarked:

“Can you believe it? Absolutely DESPICABLE! Psalm 139:15 ACTUALLY says:

“My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.”

“Well, I was speaking with a certain prominent theologian from a slick coastal theological institute, and he has proved to me with incontrovertible proof that this is not a part of the original inspired word..

“The Word, the Word, the Word… MMMMMMM…..

“Yes, apparently a misogynistic, lifesplaining patriarchal scribe inserted this passage in order to take away a woman’s right to choose and enslave her to eternal reproductive servitude. I mean, I guess the complex textual arguments he revealed to me are a bit complicated for the rest of all you common average people to understand, but they are ABSOLUTELY convincing; without the MEREST SHADOW of a doubt.”

The last word, here, goes to Barney Frank. I mean, it doesn’t normally; at least not when Bill O is genially jousting with him on Fox News.

“Wow! You know, I wasn’t all that familiar with the New Testament, but not so long ago, I looked at a copy, out of curiosity.

“Well, I was absolutely horrified and nauseated by what I read. Thomas Paine was right about the absolute barbarity of this book! You know, it was just this one horrific and spinechilling story that made my blood run cold…

“About a man who built a house on, you know, some real shaky foundations… and the crisis came, the winds and storms beat down, and the house just collapsed!

“Oh my GOSH; that was the most traumatic experience of my life! I mean, it just brought all my anguished memories of Fanny and Freddy flooding back; I mean, if ever a house was built on shaky sand, it was Fanny and Freedy’s Ponzi scheme. Let’s just get rid of this story too, OK?”

Finally, our resident Glossy News medium tried, without avail, to channel the shade of Thomas Jefferson. After several attempts, he left a psychemail message as follows:

“I have told you people down there A MILLION TIMES to just quit bothering me! I’ve just about had it with you folks! No, scratch that, I gave up on you guys a long time ago! No, no, I’m having nothing more to do with you… sort out your own crap yourself!”

Well, I guess he probably got annoyed because of signal interference. Next time, we should ask Pat Robertson or George W Bush; they’ve got the most clear and direct lines of smooth aerial passage to the Heavenly City that anyone could ever dream of having…

Well, apart from the ones set up by the Wonks Who Stare At Drones™.

Author: Wallace Runnymede

Wallace is the editor of Brian K. White's epic website, Glossy News! Email him with your content at (Should be @, not #!) Or if you'd like me to help you tease out some ideas that you can't quite put into concrete form, I'd love to have some dialogue with you! Catch me on Patreon too, or better still, help out our great writers on the official Glossy News Patreon (see the bottom of the homepage!) Don't forget to favourite Glossy News in your browser, and like us on Facebook too! And last but VERY MUCH not the least of all... Share, share, SHARE! Thanks so much for taking the time to check out our awesome site!

2 thoughts on “Dems/Reps Concoct “Jefferson Bible” Sequel

  1. Newt Gingrich must die! His roots trace back to John Wilkes Booth and I will not go back to my grave until his eyes are poked out with breadsticks and his heart is replaced with horse meat.

  2. I have arisen from the grave to take down Newt Gingrich whose roots trace to the family of John Wilkes Booth. Every day Newt lives burns my soul and I want to end his life with a bread shaped spear as he can also be blamed for letting the precious Garden of Olives lose it’s virtue and place in American’s everyday lives.

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