Santorum’s Untimely September Crusade Against Wal-Mart

OK, I know the following article seems pretty anachronistic (in more ways than one, maybe).

Still, if politicians make “untimely interventions” in issues that are more safely consigned to a different part of the calendar, it’s not my fault.

Yes, it really isn’t my fault…

I mean, this is the objective media, and holding our hands up and taking responsibility is not really our bag.

That said, you might as well read what follows. Entertainment is the first and last of all virtues in the media, after all…

Well, that’s kinda the problem with our po-faced rivals and haters at Fox and MSNBC.

Anyways, Rick Santorum has recently attempted to revive his flagging political career, with a deeply untimely (at least in calendar terms) intervention in the “war on religion” debate:

“Ok, this might sound like old news, as it’s pretty much early autumn, and December 2013 is long behind us. But something from those few months back is really haunting me… this grudge is just too hard to bear…

“Yes, several months ago, Christmas 2013, Wal-mart actually stopped selling Christmas puddings! They had Yule Log, Christmas cake, French, German things, everything you can imagine, but no Christmas puddings.”

OK, so that sort of crap pisses me off too. Yet, Santorum is not even satisfied by a well-meaning, if somewhat confusing (in many ways!) statement from Wal-mart:

Although a lack of demand meant that last year we didn’t sell any Christmas puddings, our Christmas range continues to expand, with a variety of Christmas foods from around the world.

Still, in the name of the Christmas spirit (or as Ayn Rand said, in the name of the very best within us), we are always keen to hear recommendations about what to stock next…

Well, as long as you don’t piss us off by make annoying complaints in the media about it…

I mean, would you just shut up about this crap, right?…

I mean, we’re doing the very best we possibly can in an incredibly hostile and competitive market; when all those stupid, pissy little family shops and so-called “small businesses” are blowing humongous, bleeding chunks out of our rightful sales.

Still, we do hope that by the next festive season, everyone should be able to choose from a wide range of Christmas foods, including desserts and cakes, and be able to sit down and enjoy their favourite treats with their family.

Yes, whether monogamous, polygamous, polyamorous, casual hook-up, single-parent, many-parented, parents plus mistress (singular), parents plus mistresses (plurals), friends with benefits, blindfold S and M whip-or-be-whipped…

Or favourite colleagues, or favourite colleagues apart from that annoying guy from the office who keeps wanting to borrow cocaine money, or perhaps your least favourite colleagues apart from that appealing gay who keeps wanting to borrow your Lady Gaga T-shirt…

Flashmob-dining with people in your city, flash-flood dining with people in riverine States, feeding the five thousand in a scenic spot…

With or without grandparents, great-grandparents and annoying cousins; with or without the sinister begging of cats or iguanas, or the greedy howling of dogs and rabbits…

With your husband, wife, partner, gay, straight, human, non-human, alive, semi-alive, stone-cold solid, pretty damn buff, ugly as hell, kind-of-mmmkay, whenever, wherever, however, no-holds-barred…

Or even just all on your miserable but congenially tipsy lonesome, with a bottle of our special “All for Me, Haters Ain’t Gettin’ it” range of Mulled Wines and Mulled Extra-Proof Spirits…

Whoever or whatever you are, regardless of your purely arbitrary, socially constructed and culturally contingent family structure, we hope you will enjoy spending a month’s pay with us (or close enough)…

And, of course, sitting down for a pleasurable and enjoyable meal with whoever floats your boat.”

“See, they even admit it themselves, that they’re not selling it,” he scoffs.

(And see, even our puns are better than the average bear’s/average bare-assed liar’s favoured media outlets!)

Santorum continues:

“Like, it’s little compromises like this, like banning Xmas pudding (shit, sorry, keep saying that, I mean, CHRISTMAS pudding), that really build up, and before you know it, we are living in a pagan, post-Christian society…

“I mean, you just heard all the postmodern family structures there!

“Like, even I haven’t heard of half of them, and I’m kind of an informed expert of one sort or another on whatever’s wrong with sex, gender, and social structures in our country…

“Well, an expert, I mean within reason…

“And I mean, all this exotic sexing about in that statement, it’s hard to say which of these is worse… maybe the gay bit, at a push (or a shove?)… well actually no, it’s all a bit perverse…”

But Santorum’s views have found little support. Indeed, even Glenn Beck has poked fun at what some are calling an obvious publicity stunt:

“Hey, Santorum!” he smirks. “Never thought you were actually the type to stuff your face with Christmas pudding. You look more like a salad-and-vinaigrette type than a full-on pork barbecue kind of guy…

“So what, I mean, they’re not selling Christmas pudding? What harm does that do you, of all people? Loser.”

Still, we’ll give the last word to Ted Nugent (well, sometimes he actually doesn’t mind having the last word, anyways):

“These hooligans take away our guns, our constitutional rights and privileges and replace them with entitlements!

“So, ya know, we used to have rich, sweet, greasy, alcoholic, liver-smiting and tooth-murdering Christmas pudding. Stuffing our faces ‘til kingdom come.

“But now we’re having, say what? Gluten-free Victoria sponge with free-range dairy cream and organic cherries on top? This is a drip-drip phenomenon, man! I’m surprised we haven’t had a revolution by now.”

Well, at least Ted knows what our real political priorities should be (as always)…

Author: Wallace Runnymede

Wallace is the editor of Brian K. White's epic website, Glossy News! Email him with your content at wallacerunnymede#gmail.com (Should be @, not #!) Or if you'd like me to help you tease out some ideas that you can't quite put into concrete form, I'd love to have some dialogue with you! Catch me on Patreon too, or better still, help out our great writers on the official Glossy News Patreon (see the bottom of the homepage!) Don't forget to favourite Glossy News in your browser, and like us on Facebook too! And last but VERY MUCH not the least of all... Share, share, SHARE! Thanks so much for taking the time to check out our awesome site!

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? USE THIS COMMENTS SECTION TO PUT THE WORLD TO RIGHTS...

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.