In a surprising development, the upper 1% of the richest Americans have purchased the entire U.S. military to protect them from the other 99% that they lord over.
All troops except those actively engaging an enemy somewhere in the world have been called back to bases in the U.S.
“This is a change of monumental proportions!” stated US Today.
“This could bring about an international catastrophe!” cried CNN.
“This could leave our overseas allies vulnerable!” screamed the New York Times.
“Well, it is about time we took care of those who truly run this country!” gloated Fox News.
In a deal presented and worked out behind closed doors, the billionaires of America bought and now control the entity that has long protected our land from its earliest days. The public it was supposed to protect was kept ignorant of the proceedings until it was too late.
A hue and cry over this situation has been heard from some quarters, although strangely many greet this development quietly. “What’s the use in fussin’?” asked Thelma Monroe of St. Louis, a grocery checker. “They own everythin’ else already anyways.”
Tom Thurmond of Riverside California, a construction worker, stated “With the industrial/military complex the way it is I don’t even see why they had to buy them. They already had them in their pockets anyway!”
Groups protesting this aggressive action by the upper class were immediately set upon by hundreds of armed soldiers, tanks and helicopters in the first hour of their appearance on the street. They were immediately whisked away to military prisons where they would have no recourse to an open trial.
A bad side effect of the whole buyout is that a lot of the countries evacuated by our troops have been taken over by aggressive foreigners. Russia immediately overwhelmed Germany who put up a valiant, but brief resistance. “The eastern part of Germany once spoke Russian and, just like in Ukraine, should thereby be considered part of Greater Russia.” explained Czar Putin.
Mainland China immediately swallowed Taiwan whole. North Korea gobbled Guam. TV stations, radio stations and newspapers in the U.S. demanded that the purchase be reversed. They were immediately invaded by Marines and shut down. Old reruns of Father Knows Best and The Lucy Show aired in endless loops on all the television channels.
When asked about the detrimental effect the purchase was having on our one-time allies 1% representative and one time play-pretend Presidential candidate Donald Trump commented “Hey! They got some real things to do here now! They can’t be prancing all over the world helping out every piddly nation that cries ‘Boo-hoo’! They got to be here in these borders protecting the people who really own this country!”
One unforeseen setback to the upper classes buying of our men in uniform is that most of the soldiers are from the working and poor classes and therefore liable to revolt. This is evident in the scalping of Trump the first time he addressed the troops.
The possibility of further insurrections are making the upper 1% of America consider buying the Mainland Chinese Military as well who are known to be more obedient and respectful to the upper crust.