MCLEAN, VA —GlossyNews
The recently announced “early departure” of a 43-year-old right wing political activist and blogger has brought to the forefront an investigation into a viral GOPTea™ campaign that has begun figuratively taking down some big players: Bachmann, Cain, Pawlenty, Perry, Snowe. And the list keeps growing.
Who’s next? A list of names was found in the bottom drawer of a back office desk at the RNC headquarters in McLean, Virginia. The virtually illegible entries scrawled on it were Bush, Gingrich, Jindal, McConnell, Norquist, Paul, Paul, Rove, Santorum and W. Someone’s secret alphabetical hit list or a sinister office “dead-pool.”
What could be the origin of this virus-like mechanism that appears to act independently and…in mysterious ways? How does it work? But more importantly why is it working now?
We asked Reince Prebus, head of the RNC, about his findings. He stared silently off into space for almost a minute, as if imagining the feasibility of a moon colony or something, before he spoke. “I fundamentally have an inkling of a clue,” he said cryptically. “But this is very much still a puzzlement, a poser, a pit of paranoid perplexity.”
After shaking his head vigorously, as if clearing out the cobwebs and excess earwax, he continued, “I know this seems to be coming out of left field, but it seems to have started back in May of 2011, on the 21st to be exact. There was this guy out in California, Harold Camping, who was projecting that something momentous was going to happen around then…and no one was really paying much attention. But a few weeks or so after that, about June or July, we noticed some odd random things taking place.”
He cleared his voice, then said, “Slowly, one by one, our candidates began falling by the wayside. Almost as if they were stricken by an unseen stalker–someone lurking in the shadows of the debate sets sucking the air out of them. Besides Palin, I mean. In one case, Gingrich to be exact, the stalker missed his mark several times and the candidate managed to recover to debate yet again. And again. And again. I have it from good sources that he is debating himself as we speak in spite of that being strictly against Catholic doctrine.
“With Bachmann, who seemed to be set for the long haul in Ames, her straw victory turned out to be just that, straw. At the time, we joked around here that Perry was just showing off his sharp-shooter execution powers, Texas-style.
“But Pawlenty dropped to the ground at almost the same time. No explanation. Just fell over and died. Croaked. X’s for eyes. Splat, like a bug on the windshield of Iowa then disappeared.
“I don’t want to belabor the whole thing here, but I will. Cain and Perry also dropped, one after the other. And they went so close to each other, it’s hard now to remember which was first to go. Not that it matters. Now all of these people, each a great candidate in his or her own right, have simply disappeared from the political arena without a trace.
“We’ve come to the conclusion at the office that they all could have been Raptured by this Camping guy in California. Who also, by the way, doesn’t appear to be around anymore either. He’s not even answering his phone. It’s either been disconnected or is seriously out of its coverage area.”
Prebus saw a questioning look in my eyes and said, “Yes, I’m armed…oh, wait you mean that other question. I’ve already asked the Koch boys if they know anything about this, but they’ve put up a firewall and will only talk through their attorneys. But, that legal ventriloquist act can only last so long before someone’s lips start moving, you know?”
Before I could open my mouth, he quickly answered, “No one can explain a second list mysteriously found in my back office desk. I surely didn’t write it. FBI handwriting experts on staff say that the handwriting has never been seen here before. To quote, they said, ‘No one writes anymore, now get out of our office, jackass.’ Obviously, they have no records on file that match the writing sample. One offered that it reminded him of a combination of Gothic Hijinks Roman and Chopin Script, but he’s always been considered a bit too gay for his own good.”
And, as I began to speak again, Prebus said, “Quit talking and let me finish! OK, if you really need a sound bite from the RNC about these strange goings-on, you can quote me that everyone seems to have gone camping.” More on this story as GOP candidates continue to disappear.