Recently Discovered Noah’s Ark Artifacts Destroyed in Quran Bonfire Mishap

MOUNT ARARAT, Turkey (GlossyNews) — In the close-knit evangelical archeological community, few can recall more dizzying heights and tragic lows in such a short time span. The Xinyou Qing Project (rough English translation, ‘We go find Ark now’) first grabbed headlines this year with discovery of the large Biblical ship on Mt. Ararat. Further excavations yielded the Ark of the Covenant, the Holy Grail, and the body of slain Teamsters leader Jimmy Hoffa.

Woody Growth, in Turkey on Her Majesty’s secret service, and reporting for the Glossy News, stumbled onto the group and learned of their strange tale. The group felt confident they’d found in Turkey, some sort of Bermuda Triangle repository of all history’s unanswered questions. Among other revelations, they believed themselves nearing clear evidence of who really shot JFK, and of course who let the dogs out. All those hopes ended this week in a puff of smoke.

According to lead Archeologist Dr. Xi Lang, it started innocently enough with a plan to burn several dozen Qurans. “Yeah, we hear about guy down in Florida. He just looking for attention. We on Mount Ararat; it cold up here at night, even in summer. So we thought why not? Shouldn’t have burned Qurans so close to Ark though; it really windy up on Turkey mountains!”

In the ensuing conflagration, the most precious artifacts of Judaism and Christianity were reduced to ashes, and Mr. Hoffa kind of got a Viking funeral. Probably gone forever now as well, are any hopes of learning the true fate of Amelia Earhart, or who keeps allowing the Eagles into a recording studio.

The tragedy has decimated the Xinyou Qing Project, but, like the Phoenix, with their never say never again attitude, they’ve risen from the ashes with a new sense of purpose. While admitting to feeling shaken, they’re stirred to new action, and have bonded together with a golden eye towards the future, and are moving ahead with the attitude that the world is not enough, and tomorrow never dies.

The newly constituted Chang Sanshou Project (rough English translation, ‘We go find Goliath grave now’) will focus its evangelical archaeological efforts in the Middle East for future expeditions. Said Dr. Xi Liang, “Yeah that Goliath, big guy, should be easy to find grave. I mean, he huge, right?”

Author: Liberties-Taken

I write gags for Glossy News when an idea pops into my pumpkin sized head. Don't make a big deal out of it, OK? I contribute to my local food pantry and you should too.

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