YOLO, short for “you only live once”. Easily the “don’t worry, be happy” of 2011, is now gone, all but forgotten. But why is this phrase out of use? A recent study finds it’s because most who lived by it are now dead.
It’s an acronym that’s been around since 2004, but in 2011 hip hop artist Drake introduced this phrase to the ignorant masses in his awful but popular single “The Motto”. Within months it went from motto, to anthem, to mantra to eulogy.
Read PART TWO of this story here.
America’s youth participated in polluting the internet with stupidity, justified by those four little letters; YOLO. Tragically, many of them also used this as grounds to do pollute in real life, such as in the case of rivers adjacent to railroad trestles, specifically with their blood and gory bits.
“Jake Namewithheld was always a fun guy, pretty crazy,” says former roommate Todd Bakersfield. We were up on the trestle and we’d been jumping all day, but he told me to shoot this one [with my iPhone] and he looked right at me and said ‘YOLO!’ and tried to do a double or triple back flip, but he didn’t even jump out. Trestle painted. Splat man. Way splat.”
Way splat indeed. Another youth from this circle of friends, Lisa, decided on a whim to get a tattoo while visiting her aunt in Indonesia. She died two weeks later from an infection from the needle of that tattoo. And what was the tattoo? “YOLO”.
Researcher Petser Barneswood sat down with us to explain. “The problem isn’t with YOLO, the problem is with math. The average lifespan in the US is about 78 years. When they say you only live once, they mean you only live 78 years, on average.”
The study concludes that if you die at 20, you only live 1/4 of once. This just goes to show how far the US has fallen in math.
“Look, I get it,” explained millionaire Joe Francis, founder of Girls Gone Wild, the worst dollar-to-sexy excuse for porn ever mass-purveyed. “But when we’re out shooting a video and we yell ‘YOLO!’ we get a ton of [indescribably crude word for breasts] on camera. If we yell YOL¼, it just doesn’t have the same ring.”
Bethany Jonestown, mother of Ariamna Jonestown understands YOLO all too well. “YOLO destroyed our family. Before this [Ariamna] was a good, church-going girl who did her homework. But once she discovered YOLO she used it as an excuse to self-medicate her Restless Vagina Syndrome, and next thing you, she’s dead.”
Was it AIDS? Was it Hepatitis C? “No,” explained Jonestown, “Jealous boyfriend, amateur pimp, lady love interest and an undercover narcotics officer what was sleeping with her at school all came together at the same place. It was a blood bath you can’t imagine. She killed herself three days later. Her suicide note just said ‘YOLO’.”
Arianma was just 15 years old. That’s less than 1/5th of a life she only had one of to live. While that may make a fair premise for a daytime television drama, this is much more serious. Too many questions remain, biggest of all is why was an undercover police officer having sex with her.
Fairview Heights Police Chief Jason Wiggins spoke to us on the condition of anonymity. Wiggens repeatedly asked, “I’m not being recorded, am I? Seriously, if this gets out I could lose my pension and I’m less than five years away, so please don’t record this.”
Wiggens, who lives at 4622 Warm Springs Drive, explained that, “We put officers in schools to see if there are drugs. It’s normal. Officers do whatever they must to fit in, whether it’s bullying, smoking pot, playing grab-ass with the jocks, or yes, even having unprotected sex with 15-year-old girls.”
Debbie Milferson, the mother of one affected teenage girl, explained that “We don’t care what the officers are doing in the schools, we just want our daughters’ innocence back.” When pressed, Milferson did herself show her YOLO tattoo, and permit us, for the sake our journalism, to lick it. Despite what she may say in subsequent interviews, no member of our staff snorted any amount of cocaine from her YOLO tatoo or any other part of her body… or her pregnant teenage daughter’s body… or her college freshman son’s penis.