The following letter is in response to a story dated October, 21st of last year entitled Shepard Smith to Leave FOX News Over Harassment?. This mad gem comes to us from “Tim Pitchfork” from blah blah whatever.
Tim Pitchford (Carmel, IN) wrote:
Mike Kelly calls Fox the Republican :National ne work, does that mean that CBS, NBC, ABC and CNN are Democrat national networks?
Boy, Tim, where to start… so many errors, so little brain power, both on your part.
Do you know what a colon is? No, it’s not the place you have your head shoved up, though that might also be true. You can’t just throw in a random colon and expect the sentence to still make sense to a literate person of any degree. I was prepared to let that slide, but you slathered on the dumb on so thick, and it was just the first layer of this beef trifle, so I had to point it out.
What is a “ne work”? Is that what Republicans call a northeastern work? Or a Newark, New Jersey? Or were you just so passionate in attempting to write your epic tome that in writing the word “network” that you missed the letter “T”, which is at the top of the keyboard, and replaced it with a “space”, which is at the bottom of the keyboard. Truly a dizzying intellect.
Next, and this is kind of a big one, the opposite of “republican network” is not “democrat network”; it’s democratic. As in, the democratic party. Maybe you already know this and you’re just trying to siphon the maximum douchery into a given situation, or maybe you’re genuinely that stupid. If someone asked you if FOX News is a democratic leaning or republic news outlet, you’d stop in your tracks and ask what the hell a “republic” anything is. You’d be right to, it’s completely stupid, as is the person who says it… can you see where I’m going with this? Maybe I’m being too subtle. What I meant to say is that you’re prima facie stupid. You may not be, but that’s what you are on your face.
It’s like if I called all Ditto-heads “Oxy-Morons” or referred to Sarah Palin’s legion of male supporters as “disappointed MILF-hunters”. It just paints with too broad of a stroke. You should understand what I mean when I say “stroke”, as, looking at your email, it appears you had one in the middle of writing it.
As for the meat of your question. Is every single network except for FOX an extension of the Democratic Party?
Sir, if you think that, you better stop worrying about those black helicopters, beige-ies at the 7-11 and water fluoridation, and start looking at who is making money off of your paranoia. Glenn Beck has a net worth of $105 million, and he didn’t earn a penny of it from me. He made it from freaked out rubes like you willing to invest in lackluster gold, seeds that even Jack wouldn’t have bought, and subscriptions to pay for the unusual luxury of hearing his amazing mouth screech sultry tones of terror all month long.
So what I’d like to say is “pull your head out of your ass,” but I fear it’s so far up there that doing so would dislodge the snorkel you use to breathe, and it’s the only thing keeping you alive. Maybe if you push through a tad further your head will pop back out the other side. It sounds improbable, but not even remotely as improbable as the things you’ve suggested in your email… so there’s always hope.
I do hope the best will come to you, even if you don’t know or can’t acknowledge what it is. That’s why, tonight, I’m making a $5 donation in your name to the most democratic organization I can think of. The Democratic National Convention. See, unlike Republicans, who famously only care about themselves, the Democrats have enough benevolence to extend even to those who disagree with them. That’s why red states get the lion’s share of the welfare, even while shouting that Obama is a fascist socialist, two things which one person could never at once actually be. He’s also not a Muslim atheist or a Kenyan Hawaiian, but let’s not let facts get in the way of a proper witch hunt.
I tried to send this email to you directly, but as any proper coward would, you provided a fake email address. Good work standing behind your words. So in lieu of reaching you directly, I’m contacting you in an open forum.
Is that alright with you Mr. Pitchfork? Kudos on also using a “real name” for your letter. Nothing says integrity like a fake name and fake email address when writing to the editor of a publication. I’d say “mad props”, but I’d be afraid you’d think I’m being sarcastic, when what I really mean to say is that you are mad, and a prop of conservative media.