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Letter to the editor: CBS, NBC, ABC & CNN are Democrat Networks

Letter to the editor: CBS, NBC, ABC & CNN are Democrat Networks

The following letter is in response to a story dated October, 21st of last year entitled Shepard Smith to Leave FOX News Over Harassment?. This mad gem comes to us from “Tim Pitchfork” from blah blah whatever.

Tim Pitchford (Carmel, IN) wrote:
Mike Kelly calls Fox the Republican :National ne work, does that mean that CBS, NBC, ABC and CNN are Democrat national networks?

Boy, Tim, where to start… so many errors, so little brain power, both on your part.

Do you know what a colon is? No, it’s not the place you have your head shoved up, though that might also be true. You can’t just throw in a random colon and expect the sentence to still make sense to a literate person of any degree. I was prepared to let that slide, but you slathered on the dumb on so thick, and it was just the first layer of this beef trifle, so I had to point it out.

What is a “ne work”? Is that what Republicans call a northeastern work? Or a Newark, New Jersey? Or were you just so passionate in attempting to write your epic tome that in writing the word “network” that you missed the letter “T”, which is at the top of the keyboard, and replaced it with a “space”, which is at the bottom of the keyboard. Truly a dizzying intellect.

Next, and this is kind of a big one, the opposite of “republican network” is not “democrat network”; it’s democratic. As in, the democratic party. Maybe you already know this and you’re just trying to siphon the maximum douchery into a given situation, or maybe you’re genuinely that stupid. If someone asked you if FOX News is a democratic leaning or republic news outlet, you’d stop in your tracks and ask what the hell a “republic” anything is. You’d be right to, it’s completely stupid, as is the person who says it… can you see where I’m going with this? Maybe I’m being too subtle. What I meant to say is that you’re prima facie stupid. You may not be, but that’s what you are on your face.

It’s like if I called all Ditto-heads “Oxy-Morons” or referred to Sarah Palin’s legion of male supporters as “disappointed MILF-hunters”. It just paints with too broad of a stroke. You should understand what I mean when I say “stroke”, as, looking at your email, it appears you had one in the middle of writing it.

As for the meat of your question. Is every single network except for FOX an extension of the Democratic Party?

Sir, if you think that, you better stop worrying about those black helicopters, beige-ies at the 7-11 and water fluoridation, and start looking at who is making money off of your paranoia. Glenn Beck has a net worth of $105 million, and he didn’t earn a penny of it from me. He made it from freaked out rubes like you willing to invest in lackluster gold, seeds that even Jack wouldn’t have bought, and subscriptions to pay for the unusual luxury of hearing his amazing mouth screech sultry tones of terror all month long.

So what I’d like to say is “pull your head out of your ass,” but I fear it’s so far up there that doing so would dislodge the snorkel you use to breathe, and it’s the only thing keeping you alive. Maybe if you push through a tad further your head will pop back out the other side. It sounds improbable, but not even remotely as improbable as the things you’ve suggested in your email… so there’s always hope.

I do hope the best will come to you, even if you don’t know or can’t acknowledge what it is. That’s why, tonight, I’m making a $5 donation in your name to the most democratic organization I can think of. The Democratic National Convention. See, unlike Republicans, who famously only care about themselves, the Democrats have enough benevolence to extend even to those who disagree with them. That’s why red states get the lion’s share of the welfare, even while shouting that Obama is a fascist socialist, two things which one person could never at once actually be. He’s also not a Muslim atheist or a Kenyan Hawaiian, but let’s not let facts get in the way of a proper witch hunt.

I tried to send this email to you directly, but as any proper coward would, you provided a fake email address. Good work standing behind your words. So in lieu of reaching you directly, I’m contacting you in an open forum.

Is that alright with you Mr. Pitchfork? Kudos on also using a “real name” for your letter. Nothing says integrity like a fake name and fake email address when writing to the editor of a publication. I’d say “mad props”, but I’d be afraid you’d think I’m being sarcastic, when what I really mean to say is that you are mad, and a prop of conservative media.

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This post was written by

- who has written 366 posts on GlossyNews.com.

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

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8 Responses to “Letter to the editor: CBS, NBC, ABC & CNN are Democrat Networks”

  1. jeff boldt says:

    i think it’s pretty safe to say there are outlets that lean to both sides of the party aisle. fox clearly has a conservative bias but msnbc clearly has a liberal one. ppl at fox do a disservice to journalism but so do ppl at msnbc (who unashamedly cheer on air when dems win). but this largely what journalism has become: political pandering and editorializing.

  2. Barb Weir says:

    I think it’s pretty safe to say hello. Not sure anything else is safe. I prefer funny and disrespectful.

  3. Brian K. White says:

    Jeff… surely you don’t believe that. MSNBC is on the left, but it is not the spectral balance to FOX. FOX is so far to the right it is no longer a right-leaning organization, but the de facto propaganda wing of the Republican party. It also has far, far more viewers, the majority of whom don’t consume any other news.

    To compare the two with a straight face is dishonest or at best, grossly uninformed.

  4. jeff boldt says:

    Nope, I never said that. The fact that they both blur the lines is my point. Just because one does it less than another doesn’t make their line any less blurry.

  5. P. Beckert says:

    I kinda tend to have to agree with jeff on this one. I think all the cable “news” channels have their own agendas, which makes it hard for us to figure out what to and not to believe anymore and I think the fact that all of them are owned by big money in the corporate world means we will never get at the truth if we are looking there for it. We have one hope left for honest discourse and that is NPR, but even that has its flaws.

  6. Brian K. White says:

    My hairline has become blurry. Are you saying I’m bald?

  7. jeff boldt says:

    ha. maybe just follically challenged.

  8. Kilroy says:

    You people still listen to “news”? And enough about the “bald” truth.

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