We began our story yesterday on the dangers of the phrase YOLO! and what it’s meant to the dwindling number of America’s less intelligent youth who followed this belief.
What happened to them? We’ll tell you later, but we’ll give you this hint; almost all of them have died by their own foolishness. Spoiler alert.
No, we say “Spoiler Alert” before giving away the end of the story. No, don’t write that part, go back and delete it. Okay, you’ll do it later. I understand.
RIGHT: A young 20-something mere seconds before he impaled himself on the clearly marked pylons protruding from the water below. He is survived by his sister, Meghan, 14, and his Jet-Ski, SeaDoo, 2009.
“My son was always a very religious boy, and a varsity wrestler. When he heard ‘YOLO’ he decided it was a good time to find out whether or not he was gay,” said his mother, Nunya Bizness. “But he couldn’t be sure, so he spent his whole first year of college at bath houses.”
When asked if her son was still alive, Bizness choked up. “He might as well be dead to us… YOLO.”
But it’s not all sad stories. Councilman Ekdwards from Stoneybrook township explained that, “At first it was pretty bad. We had a lot of kids doing really stupid stuff and we had to clean it all up. But now they’re mostly gone.” When asked to clarify he firmly stated, “I mean dead. Like they stupid-ed themselves to death, and now they don’t bug us anymore.”
One woman we met near town hall explained that, “I’ll tell you anything you want to hear for $40. For $60 I’ll tell you and let your camera friend watch.” When asked about the YOLO craze she said, “Why do you think I’m doing this?” and promptly decided to urinate on the sidewalk.
While two or more of our investigative staff may have had further “interactions” with her off-the-record, one thing is certain; The YOLO fever that once gripped this town has broken, with many YOLO deaths in its wake, and the YOLO tolerant are all that are left alive.
“YOLO? What’s that?” asked 19 year old Britney Yatpes. “I’m not familiar with the term, and from what you describe of it, I wouldn’t be interested.
When asked if she’d like to try a line of cocaine in a news van, she also declined. Further proof that those surviving this YOLO craze are less uninhibited and less, as some would say, mentally retarded, than those who came before them.
City councilwoman Clover Drummond was given a similar proposal, but in her case, she agreed to join us for a few bumps, provided we didn’t disclose her name. While she was mid-snort I blurted “We’re back on the record” in auctioneer-speed speak, which made the following exchange legal.
GN: Come on Clover, that’s the best yay-yo you’ve had in decades. What’s up with the kids and all this YOLO business?
CD: Oh my God my whole head is on fire and I swear I’m going to f*** somebody!
GN: Do you think the town is better off with all these kids wrapped against trees and upside down in Camaros in the river?
CD: Stop talking. You look like a f***ing Greek God right now. Oh my gentle Jesus I would rip your head off and make love to it.
GN: Will you propose anti-YOLO ordinances for the town in the next session?
CD: YOLO? Yes, YOLO. My grand-daughter says that all the time. I only live once. I’m good at math. I’m almost there. There’s two of you, let’s do this.
GN: Clover, no I, that’s my microphone, please. [inaudible]
CD: More blow, a pound of cock, or both. Now!
GN: Ms. Drummond I hardly think that. [audio cuts off]
CD: So what was the question? YOLO? Yes, fine, whatever. [Interview ended here]
Not everyone is happen with all the YOLO deaths. Doritomonger “Old Man” Jonves, thus named because he’s 28, explained that “it may be good for keeping graffiti down, but my business is struggling just to stay alive.”
Jonves has been a licensed distributor of Mountain Dew, Red Bull and remnant Doritos Locos Tacos shells in town for a number of years. He’s seen his business fall steadily over the past four years, and he’s not sure he’ll be around long enough to see another internet craze come along to bring his business back into the black.
A teen stopped to buy from him, and we decided to interview her. “I know people do stupid things, but that doesn’t mean I have to,” said Amber Drummond, grand-daughter of an unnamed city councilwoman.
“I have never had a drop of alcohol in my life, I don’t do energy drinks, and just because all the cool kids are jumping off of bridges and dying or suffering permanent spinal injuries doesn’t mean I’m going to do it.”
Amber had to cut her interview short, as she was met by her “Spanish tutor” Tom Hanson, a known undercover police officer of 25, recovering addict, registered sex-offender, and person who had joined us in the van for coke to gain favor in an earlier segment.
“Should we say something?” asked sound recording engineer Jay.
“No, I think we’ve already said enough,” said me into my Android device, which had been recording the whole time. “I’m sure she already knows more about the world than either of us will every figure out.”