NORTH POLE – One of Santa’s right-leaning elves has reportedly leaked a letter to Santa from one of his most famous correspondents:
Thanks again for giving me that big white house four years ago. To be honest, that was more than anyone including me expected. I know some other kids like Hillary, Mitt and Johnny McCain wanted it, too, so I’m especially grateful that you’re letting me keep it for another four years.
What I could really use right now is something to avoid that darn fiscal cliff. Johnny Boehner could help me do that but, so far, he just won’t. But if you could give me some dirt on Johnny, that might help convince him to see the light. A hidden drinking problem or a secret slush fund would be great, Santa.
If it’s not asking too much, could you free up a couple of conservative spots on the Supreme Court? Maybe you could convince the two Tonys, Scalia and Kennedy, to retire early for “health reasons”, if you know what I mean. In other words, make them an offer they can’t refuse, Santa. It would really help me acquire that legacy I’ve always had my eye on.
Before I forget, could you do me a big favor and give Joe Biden a real job? I keep telling him that he’s great and indispensable and all that but I think he’s starting to suspect that he doesn’t have much to do. If you could give him something other than Chair of the White House Recreational Committee or Head of the International Baltic Relations Task Force, I’d appreciate it.
Please bring me what I want Santa. After all, I’ve been mostly good this past year and I won’t be asking you for much after 2016. I’d leave you some milk and cookies near our tree but I think that might be seen as a conflict of interest.
Barack “Barry” Obama