Billionaire Fantasizes About Teleporting, Reading Minds

REDWOOD CITY, CA — While waiting for board members of his multinational corporation to convene, Oracle founder Larry Ellison reportedly daydreamed about possessing superpowers.

“Can you imagine how amazing it would be to teleport anywhere with a single thought?” mused Ellison, who is worth over $50.5 billion and owns two private jets.

“The first thing I’d do is see how far I could teleport and how often. Once I figured out the basics, that’s when the real fun would start. I’d definitely find a way to teleport right behind Billy [Bill Gates] when he’s on his private yacht, just to see the look on his face.

“Of course I’d be tempted to rob a bank in broad daylight,” continued Ellison. “After all, who wouldn’t be? But in the end, I don’t think I’d use my powers for evil, at least not intentionally.

“Reading minds is where that could be a problem. I’m sure it would start out fun, but eventually I’d be tempted to use it all the time. Plus, relationships would definitely be more difficult. That said, if I were offered the ability, I’d take it in a second. No questions asked.”

Unfortunately as the first board members made their entrance, Ellison was forced to shake away his fantasies and console himself with the knowledge that if his son ever committed a murder, he had the power to simply pay for his freedom.

Author: Don Plattner

Satire, Poker, and Science. Nothing better.

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