In my 30 years as a professional employment specialist, I have created the state of unemployment numerous times for many different reasons. Each “involuntary separation” has its own set of unique challenges and style points, but I consider a few aspects universally applicable.
There are numerous articles outlining the minutia of keeping a job, but let’s face it: sometimes its best to just get the hell out of Dodge.
In this age of the Non Empathetic Company how do you know when it’s prudent to just quit? Let a non empathetic career expert tell you the top five ways to know when it’s time to go.
1) You reject a promotion.
The first thing you have to ask yourself when faced with an unexpected promotion is, “Why me?” If you haven’t really done anything extraordinary, survived a catastrophic attrition process or even spent sufficient time in the trenches, you should have reason to suspect. Obviously, something else is at work in this decision and your number one job is to figure out exactly what that is. If there are no reasons that readily come to mind, PANIC!
The only reason you are probably being promoted is to take the fall for someone in upper management and spend time in prison. Perhaps even be the body that is discovered at the scene. It’s not your charming personality…Non Empathetic Companies don’t hire on the basis of personality and you know that.
So if you know what’s good for you…and actually you probably don’t or else you wouldn’t be working for a Non Empathetic Company in the first place, but let’s pretend..you’d better be running. Once you turn down a promotion at a Non Empathetic Company you may as well put on a red-shirt and beam down to the planet, because you are the next casualty on the agenda, Bubba.
2) You failed to select your references wisely.
References are good for getting you a job, but they can also be instrumental in your losing a job in the worst way: them trying to use YOU as a reference to get a job at your Non Empathetic Company. Sure, you’ve been bragging to your friends about the great benefits and travel your job brings you, but you really need to learn to shut the hell up. What made you think they wouldn’t want a piece of that action?
Such a breech of confidentiality is fatal to your future employment at a Non Empathetic Company, so as soon as you hear about any reference, acquaintance, friend, bowling buddy or casual drug dealer inquiring about employment at your Non Empathetic Company, tossing your name around while putting their feet on your boss’s desk, discreetly exit the back door. Get plastic surgery if you have to and move to an isolated, backwater job market before looking for new employment. It won’t help…they’ll find you. They’ve got resources, you know. But you’ll at least have the temporary false illusion of escape before dying horrifically of chronic unemployment from blacklisting.
3) You over-scrutinized your supervisor.
This is a double-edged sword because the same action COULD get you promoted. Non Empathetic Companies absolutely abhor under-performance, especially in the management ranks. But, the time between discovery of the aforementioned flaw and your promotion into his newly vacated position is just long enough to get your career killed. You might want to reconsider the possibility that your car exploding in the driveway might not have been the result of a faulty timer, or rival co-workers. And the poison dart from a blowgun hitting the new sales contact standing right next to you at a sporting event just MIGHT have been intended for you. After all, who gave you those tickets anyway?
Most Non Empathetic Companies have discreet channels through which anyone may report an under-performing supervisor. In fact, they actively encourage snitching. But if you had the extremely bad judgment to blurt out to your supervisor’s face, “It’s HF acid that dissolves bone, you idiot, not HCL,” then you might seriously consider a hasty retreat before your next performance review, stupid!
4) You made money your first priority.
In a perfect world, a pleasant job, good co-workers and good pay go hand in hand. But you work at a Non Empathetic Company, so screw that notion. They pay well, that’s for sure, but your co-workers are as unscrupulous as you so the work is dangerous. One of the worst career moves you could possibly make is leaving a “secure, mundane and moderately paid” position for a “difficult and highly paid” one at a Non Empathetic Company. Especially when your heart really isn’t in your work.
Seriously, do you think assassins are in the job for the travel or because they can keep flexible hours? Hell no, they like whacking people and the money is just gravy. And accountants are worst! So if you’re really not into your job, you’ll quickly realize you aren’t making nearly enough money to compensate for the personal risk and increased stress. And once it becomes clear that longevity is not a given, the salary becomes a moot point. A high salary is not a benefit unless you survive in the job long enough to enjoy it. If you’re truly not enjoying your work, get the hell out.
5) You got drunk at the Christmas party and insulted the Top Manager.
You…are…dead! There’s no coming back from that one. It even goes without saying that in all likelihood you’d never make it out of the party employed. But, let’s say that the slight wasn’t really that bad. Perhaps you second-guessed his style of tie, or maybe casually joked about his golf score.
You didn’t really think he’d let that go, did you? Hell, no! Managers at Non Empathetic Companies have absolutely no sense of humor. The first thing you should realize is that the manager is most likely bidding his/her time, waiting for the perfect set of circumstances to fire you in a bizarre and spectacular manner while accomplishing any number of nefarious deeds. He/she certainly does like getting the most mileage out of the minions, so before you succumb to one of their many maniacal mousetraps, discreetly resign and fake your own professional death.
That’s not to say the manager wouldn’t want to resurrect your career, rehire you and make you part of the new zombie workforce, randomly throwing holy water on you just to watch you writhe in the pain of task overload. Consequently, you might select a surrogate minion to take the fall for you. Since zombies all look alike to upper management, you just might get away with it. Be sure and pick someone too stupid to discern when it’s time to quit. And who knows, even if upper management discovers your duplicity, they just might be so impressed with your resourcefulness and management potential, they promote you. They can always fire you later. Meanwhile, enjoy the additional benefits. You deserve them.
In conclusion, carefully consider if you really CAN endure working for a Non Empathetic Company. The rewards are many but so are the risks. If you’re the kind of job wuss who insists on herbal teas and Facebook time built into your neatly scheduled 8-hour day, just kill your career now and don’t waste our time. But if you possess the single-minded ruthlessness to utterly destroy anyone and anything that gets in the way of your support of the Company bottom line, you just might be non-empathetic enough to survive…and smart enough to know when it’s time to go. Good luck. You’re going to need it.
Originally published in an alternate form at www.stranglecorp.com.