Gun & Beer Sales Up, Foreclosures Down in Michigan

MIDDLE AMERICA, USA (GlossyNews) — Folks facing financial ruin in Michigan have finally come up with a solution to losing their homes to banks through the foreclosure process. They are taking their unemployment checks and purchasing rifles to fend off anyone looking to evict them from the homes they’ve worked so hard over the years to buy. They’re also buying beer necessary to keep their bravado up as they attempt to stave off those who are hell bent on taking what’s left of their dignity.

“We are sick and tired of being told we’re deadbeats when it’s the companies that are shipping our jobs overseas, leaving us jobless and broke,” said Homer Simpson, who was recently laid off from a local manufacturing plant in Ypsilanti, Michigan and forced to choose between buying food for his family instead of making his mortgage payments.

“Got me a rifle and a new job–scaring off the bank buzzards,” said Simpson. “Damned vultures. First they sell me a mortgage they know I’ll probably end up not being able to make the payments on if my job goes south, which it did, then they wanna come in, take the house and let it sit there empty letting every hood in the city have their pick of whatever is left in it that’ll make them some crack money. And I’m supposed to sit there and watch it happen? Not on my watch,” he said.

These are harsh words coming from a man who held the position of union steward for years at the local plant; charged with keeping flaring tempers intact; deacon at his Church, vowing non-violence in the 1960’s, and now having to go to such lengths to protect his own American dream.

“Jesus, Lord in Heaven,” he said. “We’re all a bunch of hippies turned commando and why? Cause we want the same thing those bankers have, a secure job, a happy home and safe neighborhoods. Well, they got theirs, should be tricklin’ on down here any minute I figure, just don’t know how much longer I can keep my finger off that trigger.”