Phoenix Hoping to Become New Mecca for Metrosexuals

Phoenix, AZ – Now that Phoenix is ridding itself of its “melting pot of the Southwest” image, its Chamber of Commerce is doing everything it can to attract metrosexuals to their fair city—if you have to ask, you’re not welcome. “We are now looking to woo men who are well-groomed, well-dressed, and well-spoken, especially well-spoken,” said Chamber president, Rex Underscore.

Not only does Phoenix boast a Banana Republic, but they also have a Ralph Lauren and are hoping to attract the San Francisco luxury men’s store, On the Fly, to the city in the very near future. “Now that we are finally coming full circle, we want to offer our citizens a more cosmopolitan look and feel. In fact, we wouldn’t mind if we were known as the ‘real’ East L.A.,” said Underscore. “After all, we are just east of L.A. and many metrosexuals identify heavily with that city.

Some of the things Phoenix is doing on a go forward basis, now that that dreadful immigration bill business is behind them, is to make the downtown area more palatable for the upwardly mobile, executive man. They are in the process of shutting down all the Mexican cantinas and replacing them with martini bars and oxygen lounges.

In addition, Phoenix is hoping that its liberal open carry laws will lure more and more metrosexuals to their fine, progressive (not in a political sense) city. Speaking of guns, the Phoenix Tourism Board is hoping to hire Tim Gunn of Project Runway fame as the official spokesperson for the new Phoenix. According to the tourism director, Dagmar “Kitty” West, “who better than Tim Gunn, the epitome of metrosexuality, to entice young, culturally sophisticated men to the city?”

It is believed that within the next twelve months, the transition will be complete and instead of seeing strip malls and taco stands on every corner, you’ll instead visit a city alive with styling salons, gallerias, and the essence of men’s grooming products permeating the air. Welcome to the new “East L.A.”

Author: P. Beckert

P. Beckert's is one voice vying for frequency room at the top of the opinion dial. Angered and bewildered by many of today’s events, P. Beckert uses humor as a tool to fight against an onslaught of stupidity and ignorance that seems to permeate the airwaves and pollute the sensitivities of a once brilliant nation. You can find more at

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