May 8, 2010: Posted from a secure, undisclosed location by Glossy News South American correspondent in hiding.
In a Glossy News exclusive, this reporter has learned most of the population of Brazil is concentrated in coastal areas, and the land mass is overwhelmingly some kind of rain forest or something.
Inland Brazil, which is really really big–you’d be surprised–offers no Wi-Fi access or good places to eat. There’s nothing there except some river, a lot of trees, strange animals and nearly naked savages running around.
The leader of the reclusive Onomonopia tribe, Jade Jaguar Magic Fire, agreed to a Glossy News interview, in exchange for two cartons of Marlboro Reds and a boob flash from Consuela.
Mr. Fire said, “People like Sting and Bono, they have us all wrong actually. Running around the jungle trying to shoot tree sloths with a blowgun, well it isn’t fun. Have you ever eaten stir-fried tree sloth? They don’t taste like chicken; I’ll tell you that.”
The revered leader of the Onomonopia went on to detail his tribe’s aspirations. “We want factory jobs just like everybody else does. I was in negotiations with Hyundai, but you know this economy. We all wish somebody would come in here, bulldoze the whole shebang, and build a Wal-Mart if nothing else. Tree sloths don’t taste good.”
Authorities in Brazil’s capital were quick to dispute Mr. Jade Jaguar Magic Fire’s assertions. Interior Minister Don Ramirez de Vasquez-Goya said, “Naw, he was just messing with you. Very sardonic that Magic Fire guy. They like eating tree sloths a lot, and feel a mystical connection with the rain forest. That’s why all you guilt-stricken gringos must send us lots of money. We must all work together to protect vanishing cultures, and preserve the rich diversity of the rain forest, and blah blah blah. Honestly I get tired of saying it. Main thing is, send lots of money you guilt-ridden gringos.”
Reached for comment, Mr. Magic Fire said, “Well he can come here and live, if he thinks it’s so bucolic. Hey, can I get another boob flash from Consuela?”