Washington DC —EBBQ Today the offices of John Boehner (Bay-ner) (R–OH) revealed that Senator Boehner and former Senator Bobdole (R–KS ret.) have maintained a secret same-sex marriage for the past 13 years.
“In fact,” a Bobdole spokesperson said, “Bobdole did legally adopt Sen. Boehner at that time, as there was no state where they could legally be married. In fact they are father and son. This is a relationship that is quite familiar in the gay circles. There are whole internets set up to facilitate this type of relationship,” the spokesperson said. “It works quite well for them.”
In the even months (Feb, Apr, June, etc. ) the couple’s last name is officially Dole-Boehner. Odd months (Jan, Mar, May, etc.) it is Boehner-Dole according to the prenup signed at the marriage vows which were first renewed in Massachusetts. The extent of their prenup is that whatever happens to cause the marriage to cease becomes the responsibility of the person who is named last in the month the marriage ends.
The Dole-Boehners have renewed their vows in Iowa, Mexico City, San Francisco and Spain. While the Boehner-Doles have scheduled their first renewal service in Washington DC as soon as the papers can be drawn up. Neither person would explain the reasoning. An acquaintance close to the pair, but requesting anonymity, said it was the result of a dare Boehner made after two glasses of Montrachet. Bobdole took it as a slap on the cheek. Others say it’s just that they look so much alike, they might as well be married. Bobdole’s bartender, Hans said, “neither wanted to be the other’s bitch.”
The couple were spotted conversing at a dark corner table in the back of Hans’s C-Street bar in DC late one evening last week. We decided to ask a few questions.
“Senators would you mind?” I asked, “Just a few quickies to answer some questions about your recent news. Why did you wait so long to announce this blessed event to your constituents?”
Bobdole began with a dry smile, “Well, may I call you Bob? You are aware I am sure, of the person named Elizabeth in the middle here that Bobdole had to be careful about. We, that’s John here and me Bobdole, we had to make sure that she wasn’t shuffled off to the side with her needs and political ambitions – she seemed to have those. That took 10 years in and of itself. I also think I remember that John had someone such as that, wasn’t it a wife too, John?”
“Yes Bobdole, it was just such as that.” replied Sen. Boehner. “Complicating.”
“John I am so sorry that I didn’t really understand that,” said Bobdole still dryly smiling. “I think I was distracted for a lot of years there by that whole Bush 41/43 thing. Very distracting. I wasn’t thinking straight – really I wasn’t. You do understand, right?”
“Sure Bobdole. No problem. That was 13 years ago. Water under the dam.” said Sen. Boehner. “Did we answer your question?”
“I guess so, sort of,” I smiled. “So, moving along, why the big to-do about the name game here? This every-other-month changing has got to be a real difficult wicket to play.”
“You take it John, I got the last one.” Bobdole said. “Hans, two more here.”
“Yes. Well, it is such a confusion to me sometimes,” said John. I swear without the proper bath towels, I would forget just as sure as it’s Tuesday, or Bob’s my uncle.”
“Hey there Boehner-Dole, let’s not bring all my family into this. Some of them don’t cotton to what we’re doing here you don’t forget.”
“Yes, the name thing.” continued Boehner, now smiling dryly. “It was the only way we could possibly keep the two careers going – we couldn’t either of us give up our names now could we?” He winked. “So this was Bobdole’s answer. Neither of us would give up anything and, or should I say ‘nor’ there? Nor would we lose our close attachment with the changing names. Equal share. Equal responsibility.”
Bobdole’s left hand shot up quickly, “And with the whole Dole-Boehner / Boehner-Dole back and forth, we’ve got name recognition tied up no matter where we go. No matter what office we run for. You can’t buy marketing like that for 50¢ these days. My stars, I remember how hard it was to get people to quit calling me Pineapple in the old days. Liz always said it was better than Banana.”
Hans set down the Senator’s drinks and also slid a beer over to me, “It’s on Bobdole. He would have wanted to do that, but he’s forgotten.”