Hog Farmers Proudly Sell Parts Right to the Bitter, Musky Ends

Social media has blown up with images of an actual box of American made pork product, the “Boneless Pork Rectum, Inverted”. We take you inside this unusual treat.

Boneless means without bone. Pork is the industry term for pig products. A rectum, well, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much and it’s daddy’s birthday. Oh, never mind, I don’t want to spoil the surprise.

Using the USDA certificate number, we tracked down the farm where these curious purchases, or buy-curious goods, if you will, originated.

“Well,” explained Wayne Scoating, a fifth generation hog-rearer, “We used to recycle them as feed or sell them off as dog food, but the market has spoken and we’re in a bung boom right now.”

The labeling is still curious, so we gently pushed deeper into the story, with their consent.

“We still offer the bone-in variety,” said Scoating, “but[t] those are only sold for school lunch programs. We get about double the price if they’re boneless and the Japanese market can’t get enough of them in four, six and six and-a-half inch varieties.”

As for “inverted”, many countries will only allow import if they’ve been inverted out, but our requests to see what it takes to turn a rectum inside out were met with hostility and homophobic slurs.

“We get a lot of requests for non-inverted recta, especially from a few film companies in Germany, but they also ask for them to be bone-in. Almost nothing surprises me anymore, but I bet if I found out what they’re using them for, that would do the trick.”

This flesh sleeve has consumers around the world bursting at the chance to be the first insider to get a taste.
This flesh sleeve has consumers around the world bursting at the chance to be the first insider to get a taste.

Hornfellow even plays bass in a band with a few guys from his ranch called “Inverted Bungholes”. Lance, the morbidly nymphomaniacal lead singer, yodeler and hog-caller told us, “we just wanted a catchy, easy to remember name that says what we’re really about.”

This band has spelunked their members deep in the underground world of hog recta.

And the investors are happy too. Hog Rancher Backers, as they are called in the bung industry, cite lower waste and higher profit as a result of this selling outlet. By early next year, they plan to offer some of their products pre-rinsed.

When asked about expanding into other bung markets, Scoating said, “I’ve got a friend in Tijuana who rears donkeys for a living, but those asses are mostly just for tourist shows, whatever that means.

“He says he’s got a 14-hand ass as his prize stud, but personally, I can’t imagine more than two.” Looking sheepish, he added. “Bungtastic!” before hurrying away in shame.

Special thanks to Susan in Shoreline for sharing this hot news (just the tip) with us.

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Author: Brian K. White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

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