LAKEWOOD, OH—Jeffery Miller, a car mechanic based in the Cleveland area, is reportedly happy with the length, girth, and performance of his penis.
“Yeah, it’s pretty good, I guess,” says Miller, 36. “I’ve never had any problems with it, and my wife seems to like it all right.”
According to The Journal of Sexual Medicine, the average American penis stands 5.6 inches when erect. Miller claims his penis is “around 6 inches,” though other data suggests his trouser schnauzer is closer to 5.2 inches.
“I mean, I’ve definitely seen bigger,” says Susan Hanson, Miller’s longtime girlfriend. “But Jeff’s is . . . nice.”
Miller has refused to disclose whether his penis is circumcised, and will neither confirm nor deny a slight curve in either direction. Still, Miller insists he is “OK” with his Little Richard.
“Do I wish it were bigger?” asks Miller. “Yes. What guy doesn’t? But I have what I have. No more, no less.”
Miller’s boss, a mechanic named George McGregor, became hostile when asked about the size and performance of Miller’s penis. Not only did McGregor deny ever seeing or otherwise experiencing Miller’s thunder, the master mechanic firmly asked this reporter to leave the premises.
Members of Miller’s gym, family, bowling league, homeowners’ association, and church had similar reactions to hard questioning. However, one gym-goer said, “I don’t know, man. He always wears a swimsuit in the shower.”
“Frankly, I’m not sure why this is newsworthy,” says Miller. “Please stop following me and asking people about my penis.”
Such resistance to questioning arouses suspicion, among other things. Further reporting to come.
And what’s up with eyebrows? His eyes are too small and his brow too big.
I coughed.
Let’s just say it didn’t help…
Well, I for one don’t like his beady eyes.
I fear the reporter here is making the mistake of becoming part of the story he or she’s covering. Hopefully, it will turn out that this reporter doesn’t have an ulterior motive to take down poor Jeffery Miller.
If you’re on hold…
Just cough.
Well, I’m not sure how serious it is yet.
I’m still on hold with the doctor’s office.
Oh. So how are you gonna find out later?
I never said it was T.J…
I wasn’t referring to TJ…
If we later find out that he actually did get hit in his bullseye with an arrow, you’re gonna feel terrible for saying that.
P.S. Funny article T.J.
Next time substitute “breadstick” for penis.
The lack of comments may indicate an arrow hitting too close to the bullseye.
Not for me of course…