Comfort Cooking that Won’t Give you a Heart Attack* — Video

Love grilled cheese but don’t care if it tastes like feet? You can have the best of neither world in this GlossyNews exclusive cooking presentation.

Really? A sandwich with healthy ingredients that tastes as good as a bacon-wrapped fried chicken cheddar pizza? Yes!

How? A little thing we call science!

You’re not delirious, but you will be once you wrap your munch-hole around this stunning belly-load of gullet-stuffing.

Watch the video then read all about it…

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Now let’s break it on down so you can see just how healthy it really is. These are the real, actual nutritional details for this recipe.

Ingredient Calories Fat Grams Sodium Mg
Bread 2-Slices 370 2.4 656
Veggie Cheese 35 2 220
Feta 65 5 300
Olive Oil 60 1 0
Veloura “Cheese” 140 8 820
Pepperoni 100 9 350
Bacon 504 57 23
Sausage 100 4.5 245
Ranch Dressing 145 15 328
Salt 0 0 310
Bread 1-Slice 185 1.2 328
Butter Topping 120 14 0
Two Eggs 156 10 124
Seasoning 0 0 400
Cheez Crackers 160 8 250
Fryer Oil 220 16 0
TOTAL 2,389 153 4364
Recommended 2,000 20 2400
‘% of Daily Allowance 119% 764% 182$

Apparently the use of healthy ingredients is of no value when you consider the other items in the recipe and the ways in which they will kill you, and likely right quick at that.

* CORRECTION. Headline should have read “WILL” give you a heart attack. Sorry for any confusion or arterial harm this may have caused.

Author: Brian K. White

Brian first began peddling his humorous wares with a series of Xerox printed books in fifth grade. Since then he's published over two thousand satire and humor articles, as well as eight stage plays, a 13-episode cable sitcom and three (terrible) screenplays. He is a freelance writer by trade and an expert in the field of viral entertainment marketing. He is the author of many of the biggest hoaxes of recent years, a shameful accomplishment in which he takes exceptional pride.

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