Scientists Discover Modern World “May Be Bad For You”

A recent scientific discovery claims that modern conveniences are having negative side-effects on the mental and bodily health of many first-world inhabitants.

Scientists from around the globe report today that modern conveniences, such as the luxury of remaining stationary and sitting on your ass at home; sitting on your ass at work; sitting on your ass at a bar, a restaurant, at school, or at game; taking a break from being stationary and sitting on your ass in a motor vehicle; or sitting on your ass while defecating may all actually have many potential negative consequences—with the most common cases resulting in obesity or depression due to a lack of stimulation.

“I never thought I’d see the day,” said Samuel Natwick—a man living in Plano, Texas—as he bit into his triple-meat cheeseburger that he purchased from a nearby fast-food restaurant earlier today. “I used to trust both science and the free market to produce the best possible products for me to consume, but now it turns out that it’s all a lie.”

He despondently threw the cheeseburger wrapper onto the floor, leaned back in his recliner and took a moment to enjoy the central-heating in his apartment: a luxury that gives his body a rest from expending energy on regulating its own internal temperature, and which is therefore partially to blame for making him fat, which is in turn partially to blame for making him depressed. “Shouldn’t modern conveniences make our lives ubiquitously better?”

Unfortunately for people like Natwick, the issues with modern life don’t end there; scientists have also discovered that even some of the modern inconveniences we already hate, such as having to work for a living and paying taxes, may have other negative side-effects—such as stress—which may also heavily contribute to weight-gain and depression.

“So what they’re saying is that not only are the things I enjoy making me fat, but even the stuff that already makes me miserable is making me fat? Unbelievable.” Natwick stated before proceeding to take a swig of a beer, which his wife and children say he enjoys drinking in order to combat his depression, but which scientists say is not only also making him fat but also may in fact act as a depressant.

“Is there anything about the modern world that I can enjoy?” He pleaded desperately but in return only received silence, which was undercut by the sounds of construction work taking place outside his apartment, an airplane soaring overhead, and his neighbor playing his rockabilly records too loud again.

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