Family Research Council: Maryland Lawyers, Prepare for Divorce Workload

In an email sent to several law firms in Maryland, the Family Research Council (FRC) advised that should the marriage equality referendum pass on November 6th, they will be overrun with requests for divorce from currently married men.

This warning is based on the assumption that there are many married men in Maryland who wish to marry other men as opposed to their current female spouses.

We have not been able to find any statistics from states that have already approved marriage equality to back this up, so we have asked for clarification from the right wing organization.

Right: Tony Perkins admiring the guns on a hot, young, Latino waiter. (Click To Enlarge)

Tony Perkins, current president of the FRC, provided this explanation:

“Marriage has historically, and biblically, been between one man and one woman. When we allow any redefinition to marriage we invite all kinds of things that a clear and sane mind would not be able to see. That is why we are here, to provide you with the insight you need and are unable to obtain, to give you our vision to replace your own well thought out positions.”

“If this ballot measure passes you will immediately see a change in people. Men will start swishing down the street instead of walking around stiff like I do. They will start worrying about their appearance instead of looking like crap like I do. The sale of elegant european suits will bring our trade deficit completely out of balance.”

“Children will become orphans because their mothers will then see the financial benefits of having a wife and not being tied to the constant spending that goes with raising children. We are doomed as a society, doomed I tell you!”

“The day after that referendum passes you take a ride down to your local park. They’ll be pulling out the swings and putting in the slings. You mark my word on that one, scouts honor.”

“Dogs will want the right to vote, lions will request kobe beef, and, at long last, pigs will fly! The state that you live in will become an open pucker hole with lube dispensers on every corner.”

We were a little taken aback by his statements and pressed him on what facts these statements are based on.

Tony replied, “Facts? We aren’t talking about facts here. We’re talking about what my organization needs people to believe in order for us to pull in donations. Don’t you watch the 600 club? You see every time they make a plea for donations to pray to divert a storm they pull in a shit load of cash. That’s what I’m talkin’ about.”

“We have the same religious following and strategy. We just spout it out, give them a little smile, and bammo, that money flows in once again. These smoke screen organizations need a lot of money to survive. You can’t put a dollar sign on morality, and you can’t put morality on a dollar sign.”

Asked why he has such a strong desire to deprive others of their civil rights, Tony stated,

“I’m not depriving anyone of their god given rights. I know they are out there doing each other every chance they get. I checked it out myself. You think I haven’t dreamt about it. I would love to be giving a good rim job as much as the next man. If it wasn’t for my strong religious beliefs you can bet I would be honcho numero uno at the upcoming white party! Yeah, hand me the poppers and let’s have a fisting party!”

The outlook for the referendum passing is looking pretty good in the polls at this point. If enough people vote to finally give everyone the equal right to marriage maybe these clowns will pull up their tents and move along. Now for that even I will say a prayer.

Author: Mike Kelly

I like finding the humor in politics. Sometimes what you hear isn't that far from the bizarre.

2 thoughts on “Family Research Council: Maryland Lawyers, Prepare for Divorce Workload

  1. I think the ultimate plan of the conservative right is to eventually let marriage equality pass and keep divorce out of reach. Then we will be stuck with our choices. Nice move my angry bible thumping friends, nice move.

  2. People worry too much about gay marriage. What they should worry about is gay divorce. You can get married in any state, but you can only get divorced in your HOME state… and if your home state doesn’t recognize gay marriage, they won’t let you get divorced.

    There are estranged couples around the nation that can’t get divorced because of this, and these, my friends, are the real victims.

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