Categorized | Books, Newspapers & Misc

Newspapers Decline as Baked Beans Continue to Boom

Newspapers Decline as Baked Beans Continue to Boom

New figures show the continuing decline of print newspaper circulation all over the world.

Circulation is down a further 15% from last year’s figures, meaning that fewer people are buying a newspaper.

Professor John McDonald, department head of the scientific study of journalism said: “It would appear that the figures show fewer people are purchasing newspapers, which will mean less papers are sold”.

Professor McDonald went on to say that the figures have had no impact on the sale of the baked bean: “The figures, however, have not affected baked bean sales, which continue to soar.”

With the sale of baked beans up a record 58% from last year, Professor McDonald insists that he and his team believe that it has nothing to do with newspapers poor performance:

“We, at the Department for the Scientific Study of Journalism, feel that today’s figures do not show any correlation between the sale of baked beans and the decline of newspapers.”

Sceptics, however, have a different feeling; “Complete nonsense,” Jerry Carter, a freelance journalist who has worked on the various newspapers over the years, “Of course the increased sale of beans has everything to do with the decreasing circulation of newspapers, the statistics don’t lie.

“It’s there, in black and white, people are choosing to buy baked beans instead of a paper!” Carter continued, visibly angry.

A shop customer told Glossy News that they had actively purchased other basic food items, as well as bean of the baked variety, over a newspaper:

“I like beans and the news can be so depressing,” we were told by Chris Halewood, “A bean can put a smile on anyone’s face, and can a paper do that?”

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4 Responses to “Newspapers Decline as Baked Beans Continue to Boom”

  1. Brian K. White says:

    Not sure if causation equals correlation in this case, but I’ll withhold my judgment until the Twittersphere gives their two shekels worth.

  2. bargis says:

    Face it Bee…There’s more satisfaction in letting out a few good farts after a bean fest than reading the content of some of the newspapers that claim they report ‘news.’

    I liked this story. In fact, it made me laugh so much I farted. Now I’m happy because now I don’t have to buy a newspaper and get loose bowels from reading it.

  3. Mike Kelly says:

    I have to agree with this article. I didn’t read a paper (everyone knows I’m not informed), but I did have beans (sorry to my cat for tonight).

  4. Bee says:

    I agree, Bargis, beans are far more reliable.

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