Cameroon Corruption: Force 9 on Beaufort Scale

Amidst a growing maelstrom of rumour, gossip and scandal Cameroon’s security chief Rastus Chuckabutty has finally admitted some 300,000 people hoping to get jobs in the police force have written, phoned or e-mailed him directly begging for preferential treatment – most of them his relatives – or someone related to someone who knows someone else who knew someone his mother used to buy voodoo dolls from.

However General Chuckabutty, who has now vowed that a recruitment drive launched earlier this year will be fair, told reporters from the Nepotism Gazette that all friends, family and colleagues who had paid up front for favours in securing one of the sought-after 1,600 police jobs would get their money back.

Applicants have been waiting for months for the results of entrance exams and some believe the process might be corrupt.
But General Chuckabutty, who also serves as Minister for Graft & Corruption, promised to publish entrance exam results to ensure fairness.

“You know, some of dese applicant am not got a cat in Hell’s chance of bein’ a cop cos you just have to look at de exam paper an’ dey cannot even spell dere own name – in fact some do not even know dere own name and put down de name of a friend.”

“See here – twenty-two exam papers all wid de name ‘Des Tutu’ – jest cos it is easy to spell – and only half spell dat right also – look at dis here – ‘Dizzy Two-Three.”

“It is all so obviously obvious – and blatant – why would Bishop Desmond Tutu want to come from his nice home in South Africa to get a job as a cop in a shithole like Yaounde?”

Chuckabutty revealed more than 300,000 people had taken the entrance exam, which consists of ten ‘pick and mix’ multiple choice questions and is based on the same test and selection format used by the elite FBBI (Federal Bureau for Bananas & Ivory) – in neighbouring Equatorial Guinea.

One French UN observer, speaking on conditions of anonymity, (Giles van der Snitch) confided with the International Daily Shitraker as to why the Cameroon police force was recruiting another 1,600 members to the force.

“It is because they need the extra hands to collect the baksheesh for President Biya’s wife, Chantal. She is very much into mining operations here – just like her good friend Disgrace Rhubarbie in Zimbabwe.”

“She drives around the countryside in her armoured Humvee limousine and when she sees something she wants she tells her security people “That’s Mine!” and “This is Mine too!” A farm, a car, a business, a house, even a fat pig – like herself.”

“Oh yes, it is a very profitable business for our First Lady – ‘mining’ in Cameroon.”

“You know the joke – what’s the difference between the Cameroon National Police Force and an organized Crime Syndicate? One is an organized crime syndicate and so is the other.”

In one trivial aside, Mrs. Chantal Biya, the six foot- six inch Amazon First Lady who towers above her four foot Lilliputian mental pygmy of a Presidential husband Paul – is regarded as Africa’s Imelda Marcos with regard to hair pieces and wigs – and materialistic gluttony – and has her own giant beehive coiffeur styled each morning by a flock of domesticated weaver birds.

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via