Breach in Time/Space Continuum Opens Portal to all 9 Circles of Hell, CERN Not Involved

Man recently donned the cloak of Creator and assumed the role of God.

His manipulation of ORMEs, the esoteric sciences and applied quantum technologies saw Thomas Moore’s dream bastion of perfection a reality manifested.

Utopia Inc., the next best thing to Heaven on Earth, opened its Pearly Gates to those who could afford the luxurious environment and opulent lifestyles it offered.

Situated high in the Himalayas it was Shangri La revealed, the Shamballah of legends materialised, with its Yin and Yang held in harmonious accord by a pioneering computerised Feng Shui system, enabling cosseted residents to tune into a perpetual state of Nirvana.

Utilizing HAARP climate engineering technology to produce and maintain a Garden of Eden environment and sub-tropical weather system was the brainchild of psycho-physicist Arturo von Scrunk.
Although winner of the 2005 Nobel Prize for Indoor Decorating, Skrunk is perhaps best known to the public for his innovative children’s self-destruct build kit : Chernobyl Nuclear Lego; and last Xmas’ best-selling Nintendo Super-Wii molecular dissociation / directed energy beam game ‘Guess Where Granny’s Gone?’

Ninety-nine per cent of the world’s population of useless eaters faced a galloping global recession with mouths agape. Mass credit cancellations and rejections, banking collapses, personal pension fund evaporations, rampant unemployment, defenestrating housing prices and property repossessions had hit the human herd with the devastating intensity of a four-year old child being told, on Christmas Eve, that Santa Claus doesn’t exist.

As that 99:9% of ‘sheeple’ struggled to come to terms with the fact they were facing a massive extinction level clusterfuck of Biblical proportions, the remaining privileged 0:1%, consisting of the world’s oligarchs and ruling elites who had caused the chaos, slithered tactically off to pastures new, courtesy of Utopia Inc. (SA).

The project was originally bankrolled by the ultra-secretive Geneva-based Zionist NWO think tank Cuckoos, and boosted by further mega-billion Euro investments from Opus Dei and the Vatican, the Russian Wankos Oil and Gas conglomerate Chairman, Igor Mobzaroubles, and International Illuminati banker Sir Dinsdale de Rothshite, owner of the City of London and Keeper of the Royal Tesco Card.

Marketed exclusively to the Rich and Shameless as the ‘Elite Retreat’, every man and his dog who ever kissed the Pope’s ring, gave their favourite patron Cardinal a rim job or shook paws with a national leader had their name on the property list, so long they could put their hands on a spare thousand ounces of gold bullion or a few hundred carats of uncut conflict diamonds.

News reports of the recent opening of Utopia published various accounts of the world’s celebrity financial elite’s initial opinions and reactions to living in Paradise before it all went tits up in a spectacular Busby-Berkeley style Apocalyptic somersault.

Only last week Sir Wilf Pustule, the one-eyed expatriate British rags to riches entrepreneur who laid the foundation stone to his fortune with the invention of the left-handed corkscrew, gave the media his monocular view of the burgeoning global political crises and his family’s move to Utopia.

“Th’ world out there, yer know, in th’ UK anyways, it’s all fucked up like a soup sandwich and nowt works since th’ local councils invested all th’ money in those dodgy Icelandic banks and sub-prime mortgage shite. Now th’ mobs are takin’ to th’ streets in revolt an’ snuffin’ th’ lot of ‘em. Council twats, coppers, community sneaks an’ traffic wardens included, so bleedin’ anarchy rules”.

“But don’t say owt, or that I told yer, mind. I opened me big gob about fractional reserve bankin’ bein’ the effin’ cause of it all an’ got me eye poked out fer me trouble like by one of Rockefeller’s heavies at th’ Council of Foreign Relations”.
“Anyway, th’ same’s ‘appenin’ every-bleedin’-where. Africa, Asia, Amarillo, Australia, America, Abergavenny”.

“I knew civilisation ‘ad definitely broken down when I read in th’ Daily Dingbat that th’ local tannin’ parlours refused to take DSS coupons any more an’ closed up shop. I reckon that was the kick-off of th’ Liverpool end of th’ global revolution”.

“That’s when we moved ‘ere. Got us a nice little mansion up on th’ hillside, right next door to Kenny Piynan’s stables, in fact”.
“Bit of an ‘orse lover I believe ‘e is, which is right ‘andy as th’ missus loves a spot of gee-gee ridin’ now an’ again, know wot I mean. Not a bad view from up ‘ere either, if yer stand on th’ roof”.

“Buying a villa here costs an arm or a leg, or some other dispensable body part, but it’s well worth it to be away from all those whingeing poor pale-faced proletariat bastards with their shoddy dentistry,” pronounced Lord Ratflinger, the one-legged CEO of Europe’s largest weapons manufacturer, Mutilations-R-Us (SA), and current owner of Smegmadale United FC and Britain’s Labour Party.

Speaking from his wind-powered Maserati wheelchair and accompanied by gay partner, the one-titted Greek-Amazon lesbo property heiress, Sapphica Dildodo, Lord Ratflinger told the press “It’s definitely worth the price, just to be away from that shithole of a world out there”.

“It really is an utter joy living here with our personal computerised Dial-a-Climate system and the pulsa denura security screen guarding the property, fortified with man-eating rotifers, I might add. That was installed to look after my priceless little collection of Wang Dynasty Tuppaware and keep any invading riffraff out”.

Turbo Tatswiller, the tabloids favourite overweight Polynesian Lycra magnate from Luton-on-Sea, gave the Hades Weekly Review his first-hand version of what had gone wrong with the technological Paradise.

“I’m down at Utopia’s Rub and Tug Saloon for a few post-prandial Harvey Headbanger cocktails, getting waited on by all those gorgeous Thai ladyboys and having an oriental tongue massage, when suddenly it’s ‘Boom’! The lights go out, the place turns upside-down and when I come around everywhere stinks of bandicoot shit, I’m trapped in ice up to me bollocks and the ceiling’s on fire. Bye-bye Hedonist Heaven”.

“Anyway, for the first coupla days after it all goes to crap I’ve got some wrinkly old yid twat called Kissinger stuck in the ice next to me and he’s harping on about some gossip that the HAARP weather control array caused a major fuck up with the Earth’s Time-Space-Gravity continuum and opened a portal to the Nth Dimension, whatever the fuck that is. Some know-alling bugger in the next circle reckons it’s what the Catholic tabloids call Hell”.

“Next thing some slitty-eyed grey alien demons yank this Kissinger bloke out and put him through a big bonemeal mincer to shut the whingeing old cunt up. Very nasty way to go, I might tell you. Then they minced up a bunch of screaming Ivy leaguers from Harvard and Yale and made a whopping big lasagne supper out of the mess for the reptiles who run the place. So I’ve not heard any other gossip since, apart from a rumour we’re stuck here for Eternity and no appeals. Until it’s time for another lasagne, anyway”.

Prince Burnedarse of the Neverlands (SS ret. / Iron Cross & bar) and Klaus von Bilderberg (SS ret. / Hot Cross bun), now permanently embedded in the eternal ice of Utopia’s Ninth Circle of Hell, spoke to The Hades Weekly Review’s reporter, freely admitted their involvement in the causes of the World’s crises and opined on the up-ending of their elitist private Paradise.

“The world would have been okay and probably sorted itself out, as financial panics and political shit fights eventually have a habit of doing, if the Zionist loonies hadn’t pulled another of their barmy pre-emptive stunts and got Mossad to blow up Jerusalem so they could waste the Moslems and rebuild Solomon’s temple”.

“Some premier intelligence agency eh, couldn’t tell the difference between a twenty kiloton and a twenty megaton bomb. What a bloody mess. It’s still snowing soot and charred body parts across the Middle East. The Iranians didn’t take too kindly to being blamed for doing it either”.

“Mossad’s false flag mole flu attack across Europe went totally tits up in the same week as well. It only snuffed seven people, all pensioners, but left the entire populations of Germany and Poland with tunnel vision and the autobahns covered in snot. They should have stuck to spreading the Fort Detrick strain bird flu and any left-over anthrax spores. That could have been a real killer”.

“Utopia, our little clandestine Paradise, had been on the cards for years, since the Tavistock Institute gave the Round Table the whisper and a thumbs-down that there was no chance of ever dominating the global population on a permanent basis through their vaunted New World Order and MK-Ultra mind control television programmes. Spiking the drinking water with fluoride only made the populations dumber donkeys than they already were”.

“This was our bolt-hole for when fractional reserve banking loans reached a critical mass and caused the recent chain reaction”.
“We knew everything would eventually go to shit and the masses get really stroppy and opt out for a world-wide revolution with a spot of quid pro quo against their social betters. Us, the historic nobility. Just a matter of postponing the inevitable”.

“Seems paradoxical none of our research academics had ever read Dante Alighieri’s ‘Inferno’ or recognised the irony of pissing around with HAARP to turn the WTC skyscrapers to dust, and cause earthquakes, hurricanes and tsunamis, then blame it on Nature”.
“Our Utopian project seems to have stirred up a bit of a contretemps with Mother Nature, disturbing the immutable order of things. One moment all is honky-dory, the next thing, Utopia’s gone to shit in a handcart, just like the Federal Reserve and central banking systems did’”.

“Some penitent goyim fink trapped in the Eighth Circle’s had an attack of the hysterics and started speculating that the Hand of God was responsible for up-ending our creationist masterpiece as we’re a menagerie of egocentric self-delusionists, and this is the cost of allowing ego to surpass intellect”.

Prince Burnedarse, locked fast and immobile in the eternal ice of Hell’s Ninth Circle, with the fires burning above him, pauses to snap his teeth and spit at an insomniac pterodactyl pecking dispassionately at his left eye, then painfully waxes on once more as the flying lizard turns to peck at von Bilderberg’s pointy bald head.
“You’ll have to excuse Klaus not saying much. A geezenstack tunnelled up his rear passage last night and chewed his tongue off. He never had much of any consequence to say anyway”.

“However, closer to reality, one of the anoraks lodged in the Sixth Circle thinks we’ve created an inter-dimensional shift from the 3rd to 4th density, and that’s the cause of our predicament”.

“Last week everyone was a money-grabbing greedy atheist, now they’re all wingeing penitents spouting philosophical mantras about our fall from grace. A bit late for reconciliation and saying a dozen ‘Hail Mary’s’ as the panacea for their sins. No priests available to take confession anyway, they’re all trapped in the Fourth Circle. To sum it up concisely, we’re all fucked”.

Frank Shitrag, reporting live from Channel X’s news desk, announced the entire dimensional shift and flash freeze at Utopia was recorded live on the citadel’s CCTV cameras and can now be viewed on YouTube.
Those wishing to watch Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand being pecked to shreds by killiwacky birds can tune into the Fifth Circle, specially reserved for total dickheads.

Classified ad’ / The Hades Weekly Review : “If you’ve breached both human and divine laws and become steeped in all manner of crimes and disgrace, then apply now for a slot in Utopia-Hades, the place all sado-masochist gluttons vie for and adore. Hear the whispers of pain screamed aloud, breathe deeply on the excreted scent of fear and misery. But don’t forget, what you want is not always what you get. Trick or treat and just deserts for such impiety”.

“So give us a call right now on our unique Fibonacci prime sequence telephone system’s toll-free number : 2-3-5-13-89-233-1597, and commit to donating a tissue-typed organ or limb of our choice as a deposit on your personal Circle of Hell”. (Human souls are no longer a viable commodity for transactions.)

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via